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December 31, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Thursday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio

Sorry for the delay, I’ve been sick with a head cold.  Anyways, lets continue..

WEEK 16 AWARDS

Fantasy Stud: Aaron Rodgers. There was never any doubt on this one. 404 passing yards, 4 touchdowns, and a 45-17 victory to keep your team in playoff contention is tippity top on the Fantasy Stud meter. Keep showing ‘em the Championship Belt while you “Get money, get paid.”

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Josh Freeman. 237 passing yards, ehhh. 5 passing touchdowns, muy bien. Unfortunately, you finished second to Rodgers in these standings and more than likely you’ll be a runner-up to Rodgers in the wild card standings as well.

Fantasy Dud: Knowshon Moreno. 19 rushing yards and 22 receiving yards against the league’s worst defense. You cannot see it, but I’m shaking my head in utter disappointment. You left fantasy owners heartbroken. Good thing you’re looked at as a 3rd or 4th option, otherwise shit would have to go down.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Joe Flacco. 102 passing yards against the Cleveland Browns? You expect to go into the playoffs with that kind of play? Holy shit guy, if it weren’t for the 2 touchdowns, you would have finished with 4 points. Stop sucking the balls and start throwing them.

Fantasy Douche: The Fantasy God. Thanks to you, a team managed by Taco consisting of Rodgers, Stevie Johnson, Santana Moss, Wes Welker, S.Jax, Run DMC (McFadden), and Tony Gonzalez won my league title. What, oh what, has this world come to?!

Special Shout-Out Douche: Roger Goodell. I’m glad it took weeks upon weeks of investigation to finally come to the resolution of fining Brett Favre $50,000 for his “un-cooperation” involving the investigation. Oh, and then you realized that nothing illegal happened “within” the workplace. So I’m guessing it’s ok to go around doing whatever you’d like as long as it doesn’t happen within your workplace? That means that Ben Roethlisberger should never have been fined or suspended, and neither should have Santonio Holmes, Plaxico Burress, Perrish Cox, and Donte Stallworth because technically, their actions also did not occur at or within the workplace either. Face it Roger, every decision you make is in the best interest of revenue and not in the NFL as a business. You’re a douche.

Shout Outs: This one goes to the St. Louis Rams/Seattle Seahawks and the New Orleans Saints. Some may say that the best seed to have is the 1 seed or the 2 seed. As a Giants fan, and possible wild card berth, the best seed to have is the 5 seed. You get to go into a visiting city and play a warm up game for the 2nd round. No one in their right mind believes the Saints are going down to either the Rams or Seahawks, not even Spagnuolo or Carroll. I hope for St. Louis or Seattle’s sake they sell a lot of playoff tickets. I doubt the noise will be a factor, but at least their team will earn some extra revenue heading into next year’s draft/offseason/season.

Kiss The Baby: Jack Del Rio, Mike Singletary, Tony Sparano, and Gary “fucking” Kubiak. You’re either fired or on the verge of being fired. You all suck and I hate you, especially The Kubs. Dick rider. Enjoy your pink slips and merry Christmas bitches. Maybe your resolutions for 2011 should be more wins.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: The 2010 Fantasy Football Season. It’s been nice knowing you. Thanks for royally screwing me over this year. That was fun. I enjoy dominating 80% of the season only to be unsuspectingly shot down from my high horse. Oh, the pain. I pray 2011 is a little easier on my soul. That is if we even have a 2011 season… Let’s go Roger!

Flying Under the Radar: Pro Bowl voting. All of these major sporting league’s need to fix how they vote for all-stars. I feel like I’m in high school when these ballots come out with the results. It has become a popularity contest rather than an actual vote for outstanding achievement. This year saw players such as Drew Brees, Antonio Gates, Dwight Freeney, Robert Mathis, Steven Jackson, Michael Turner, and Adrian Peterson all make their respective conferences squads. Now, these guys are great and all, and have had good years, but Brees has thrown 21 interceptions, Gates has missed 4 out of 5 of his last games, Freeney and Mathis led a defense who was literally “run” all over all year, S.Jax blows, and Turner, well he has one of his worst years to date. But that doesn’t hold anything to the vote of Adrian Peterson. This was a guy who’s had a terrible season, at least in my eyes. His team has sucked and he has done nothing to help. When ballot’s come out, certain players should be left off due to suck ass seasons. Let the players who are deserving play. I don’t know, maybe someone like LeSean McCoy, Matt Forte, or LeGarrette Blount.

Fantasy Crush: Aaron Rodgers. Let me reiterate this once again, he went off for 46 fantasy points! And he did it against a respectable defense, on a day that his team was in desperate need. Oh, and he’s my quarterback in one of my league’s.

Lightning Bolt of the Week: Chris Collinsworth. During Tuesday Night’s game featuring the Minnesota Viking and Philadelphia Eagles, there was a collision involving Asante Samuel and Sidney Rice. Asante, disregarding the new hitting rules, launched himself into a crouching Sidney Rice. Sidney was by no means “defenseless” as he had time to see the hit coming and duck. Unfortunately, helmet to helmet contact was made, both players were injured from it, but only Asante was penalized. Asante came back into the game and Rice did not. During the 4th quarter, Chris Collinsworth, an announcer for Sunday Night Football, was quoted as saying, “its unfortunate that Asante is still in the game. A fine won’t level punishment, he should have been ejected.” As if Asante intentionally went after Rice to hurt him. Injuries are going to happen and its quite unfortunate, but by going out and ejecting players for a hit that has inflicted harm or injury would be of great harm to the league. This isn’t the NBA, there aren’t guys sitting on the bench waiting to come in just in case a guy “fouls out” or in this case “gets ejected.” I am starting to come around to the “protection of the players” theory as I’ve seen numerous head injuries occur this year, however I still feel that these players are mainly responsible for what happens to their bodies. No one makes them play football, yet the league, its commentators, and refs are treating the NFL likes it’s the players only way of making a living. As if they couldn’t get a “normal”, “typical” job. Meanwhile, the owners and NFL management such as Roger Goodell are telling the players to take a pay cut, play more games, and watch how you tackle, otherwise you’ll be fined, suspended and/or ejected. In the meantime, all of this is occurring with a lock out looming over the league’s head.

A special Wednesday edition of “Tuesday Morning Quarterback” brought to you by God’s punishment to Man, snow. Tuesday allowed me to do something I had never experienced before; something most of you haven’t experienced before either. That is, unless you were born before 1946 and enjoyed watching football. Tuesday brought an NFL game. Granted it was a horrible, badly played game, but nonetheless, it was an NFL game. Vick looked human like; constantly avoiding the rush, running around from hash mark to hash mark, only to be faulted by poor play from his teammates. Minnesota looked like a team playing for a playoff berth, while Philly displayed the lackadaisicalness of a team far out of playoff contention. At moments I felt bad for Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth, but then I realized they’re getting paid beaucoup dollars to watch football. So I said, “Fuck ‘em”, just like I do when I’m asked about my favorite NFL football team, the New York “Football” Giants. Yeah, the “football” Giants. At this rate ya’ll might as well start playing soccer ‘cause you’re a bunch of wuss bag, Sally skirt wearing, suck stick riding, vagina dentata’s. And, if you’re unsure of the last analogy, Google it. It’s fucking weird.

Just like the play of every NFL team not named the “New England Patriots.” A couple examples, the New York Jets, Indianapolis Colts, San Diego Chargers, Jacksonville Jaguars, Miami Dolphins, and San Francisco 49ers. The Jets begin the conversation by once again “backing” into the playoffs. This means that, yes, they did earn a playoff spot, but not because of clutch wins, rather by unfortunate losses to the competition. Sunday brought their 3rd loss in 4 games. Great job Rex. But, that isn’t as bad as the Jacksonville Jaguars. At the start of week 15, Jacksonville had a 1 game lead on their rivals the Indianapolis Colts. Their remaining schedule had them going against Indy, Washington, and Houston. 2 wins out of 3 would be easy. And a 3rd win against Indy would lock up the AFC South title for their first time. However, Jacksonville must not have read that script. They instead went on to lose to Indy and Washington, and are now 1 game out of the AFC South. Fantastic job Coach Del Rio, fantastic job. Enjoy watching the playoffs from home. It’ll give you time to set up your accounts on Monster and Career Builder. Maybe you, Coach Tony Sparano, and Coach Mike Singletary can have a Résumé Party. Both of them shall soon be looking for jobs as well. Singletary was given his walking papers after Sunday’s loss to the Rams, but let’s be honest; he’s been looking since week 6. Those Niners were horrendous, but, not as horrendous as the Miami Dolphins. 1-7 at home? Are you kidding me? Nothing like letting your fans waste their money. I guess they should have bought Heat tickets. At least then they would have seen wins. Miami is responsible for losing to Buffalo at home and Detroit at home. My god. Then there’s the San Diego Chargers. A team in playoff contention, but barely. A scenario of them winning out and KC losing 1 of 2 was needed. But, what does San Diego do? They go into Cincinnati to play a Bengals team that is 3-11 and minus their two best receivers, Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, and lose. Congratu-fuckin-lations Norv. You are now on the “hot seat.” How about the Indianapolis Colts? The Colts have been playing behind the 8 ball with an injury depleted lineup; have been written off after losses to Houston, Dallas, Jacksonville, and San Diego; as well as losses to the higher echelon of talent like Philly and New England; but have been able to maintain a respectable record and have won when needed. Indianapolis should be thankful that 18 is behind center and not 10. That’s a shot at you Eli.

Anyway, week 16 brought us a primetime matchup of the Carolina Panthers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Thankfully I was out that night drinking. Pittsburgh won 27-3. Then Sunday brought us the New England Patriots and the Buffalo Bills, the Pats won 34-3; the Kansas City Chiefs and the Tennessee Titans, KC won 34-14; the Cincinnati Bengals and the San Diego Chargers, Cincy won 34-20; and the Tampa Bay Bucs and the Seattle Seahawks, Tampa won 38-15. Unfortunately, living in New England I was granted the pleasure of watching the Pat and Bills. I was royally pissed. The one game I wish I could have watched, but FOX instead had the matchup of NFC Worst’s San Fran and St. Louis, was the New York Jets, Chicago Bears game. Fuck you regional television. The Bear, Jets game ended 38-34 Bears, while the Niners, Rams game ended 25-17, Rams. But, the score does not accurately depict the play displayed during that game. It was atrocious. The Niners blow, Troy Smith blows, Alex Smith blows harder, and Mike Singletary, well Mike Singletary looked lost. The Bay Area is in desperate need of help. Then there was the snore fest in Cleveland featuring the Browns and Ravens. The Ravens won 20-10. Miami lost their 7th game of the season at home, falling to the lonely Lions. Lions, Tigers, and Bears, all won. And, so did the ‘Skins. Sexy Rexy has his first win. That’s about all there is to write home about. Suck it Shannahan. I hate the Redskins.

However, not as much as I hate Dallas. Christmas brought me a boat load of great gifts; clothes, shoes, money, and of course, a weeklong stay in sunny California. Anyway, enough about my great life, back to suck ass lives of the Dallas Cowboys. Christmas brought me the gift of watching those suck ass Cowboys lose, while I was in a house full of Cowboy’s fans. It was tremendous, like sex without the penetration, similar to that of a blowjob. I lo-lo-loved it. And not only did they lose, but they lost to one of the league’s worst teams, those Arizona Cardinals. Denny Green would have been proud. You never let ‘em off the hook. Not like the Houston Texans. They were up 17-0 at one point, only to lose 24-23. However, it’s not that surprising seeing as how Houston played against Jesus. The legend of Tim Tebow lives on. He may not have the “smoothest” throwing motion or the most “mechanical” delivery, but the man gets the job done. He completes the ball when necessary and he runs the rest of the time. He’s a less experienced, rawer Mike Vick. Oh, and he’s never been arrested for animal cruelty. He has moved into my Fav 5. Along with V. Jax, Philip Rivers, the Foster Child, and Greg Jennings (this year’s Greg Jennings). Speaking of Gregory, thanks for helping lead the aerial attack brought on by your Packers and Aaron Rodgers. It was depressing to my heart and saddening for my soul. I cried all night, after I got done cussing and swinging wildly at random objects throughout my house. A 45-17 beat down is one I wish I could forget. Now I need a Giants win and Packers lose. Let’s Go Bears!

Other games taking place: Indy defeated the Blackhole, Al Davis, and the Raiders. But, let’s face it, that game was never in question. Tampa defeated Seattle, as the Seahawks lost their starting quarterback to a strained hip/back after he successfully completed a play-action bootleg. Hasselbeck, you have white folks all over the world hanging their heads in utter disappointment. Talk about being out of shape and useless. You might want to watch just how fast you get up out of bed, wouldn’t want to rupture/tear anything. Then there were the Atlanta Falcons, New Orleans Saints and the Philadelphia Eagles, Minnesota Vikings. The Falcons, Saints game was quite entertaining, although Atlanta couldn’t move the ball and you can only stop Brees and company so many times. But, even with the Falcons offensive woes, Philly topped them ten times over. Vick was left to run around and make plays alone. No one blocked for the poor schmuck and no one caught the ball either. Apparently he’s still living in the Madden world, only now the level has been raised to All-Madden. And, for those of you who are familiar with Madden and the setting All-Madden, you know that only one thing happens when you play on All-Madden; you get violated like a drunken teenage girl, inside a nightclub, which is currently being attended by Ben Roethlisberger, Lawrence Taylor, and/or Perrish Cox. And, on a good day, it goes a little something like the Minnesota Vikings Party Boat Scandal.

 

 

 

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