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December 22, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio


Fantasy Stud: Jon Kitna. I already hated you because you were a Dallas Cowboy. Now I hate you because you knocked me out of the playoffs. Fuck you and your one week of fame. I hope evil things happen to you in these coming weeks. Evil things. With that, I still owe you this, get money, get paid you fucking fuck.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Ray Rice. I could have used you this week. 153 rushing yards, 80 receiving yards and a pair of touchdowns are sweet, sweet fantasy numbers. Too bad it’s the best week of your season and we’re into week 15. Owners could have used this 14 weeks ago.

Fantasy Dud: Arian Foster. 5 fantasy points. 5. And 4 of them were from receiving. What the fuckity, fuck, fuck?! If you wanted to fuck your coach over, or prove a point, couldn’t you have done it in week 17? Thank you for leading my team to the 3rd place game. Son of a bitch.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Reggie Wayne. I put a lot of blame on you, but you can only do so much. Most of the blame I place on the racist that is Peyton Manning. Why don’t you tell that southern fuck to throw the ball to you more often? I know you have that kind of demeanor, you went to the “U”. And the “U” is known for players like Ray Lewis, Willis McGahee, Clinton Portis, Michael Irvin, Andre Johnson, and Sean Taylor.

Fantasy Douche: Gary Kubiak. Fuck you and your play calling. 60+ pass calls for Matt Schaub one week and then 10 carries for Foster the next? Hello, he’s the NFL’s leading rusher. Schaub is the NFL’s leading douche. And you, my friend, are second in voting. I hope Santa brings you a sack of shit and the Texans owner hands you a pink slip. Bitchass.

Special Shout-Out Douche: Rex Grossman. Fucking Sexy Rexy. Washington’s offense was pitiful with McNabb. I was so looking forward to seeing a 4-5 spot in the column of Santana Moss. I even benched Cooley thinking with you as the quarterback, it wouldn’t get any better. Then instead of throwing picks, you threw for 6; twice to Moss and once to Cooley. You single handedly fucked me out of 30 points. And I lost by 14. You may be from Florida, but I no longer like you, alum or no alum. Choke on a dick.

Shout Outs: To the Mike Vick owners. Congratulations on your fantasy football league championships. It looks as though this dude isn’t slowing down no matter what defense you throw at him. With another 40+ point day, and another flashy comeback, Vick is running owners straight to the “Shiva”.

Kiss The Baby: My fantasy football season…

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Pittsburgh’s defense. I never understood how “one” player made a team. I now understand. Without Polamalu out there, you guys looked ho-ho-horrendous. And because of it, I received 2 fantasy points and lost. Yeah, thanks for the contribution.

Flying Under the Radar: Brian Cushing and Antonio Smith. On Sunday afternoon, Houston played Tennessee. Not much of a big deal as neither team is in contention for a division title or playoff berth. But, what was a big deal was that two teammates of the Houston Texans decided to rumble. Not to the severity of Johnson v. Finnegan, but enough to draw a penalty. After a sack by Mark Anderson, Brian Cushing and Antonio Smith started jawing at each other. Smith decided to pull an Andre Johnson and snatched his teammate’s helmet (Brian Cushing’s) right off. This consequently resulted in a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty on Brian Cushing and the Texans. Nice job guys. A once bright and upstart team has fallen to the lowest of lows. Roger Goodell isn’t going to have quite a Merry Christmas with you guys.

Fantasy Crush: Vincent Jackson and Philip Rivers. You two were the only bright spots from this week. Thank you. Hopefully I run into the two of you while on vacation. I want both of your autographs. Maybe we’ll even play catch. Booyaa!

Lightning Bolt of the Week: Mike Shanahan’s benching of Donovan McNabb. Shanahan was viewed as an offensive mind; someone that would come into Washington and change its outlook, change the way it played football. Well folks, that ain’t happening. Shanahan has sucked and basically put all the blame on the players. First, it was Albert Haynesworth and now it’s Donovan. How about you look into the mirror Mike and realize that you haven’t been a “genius” nor successful since John Elway. And let’s face it, it had nothing to do with you and all to do with him. There is no way that you can honestly sit back and believe that Rex Grossman or John Beck have a better opportunity of running the team than McNabb does. If that were the case, Chicago would have held onto Rex, or Houston would have, and Beck would never have been traded twice (once by Miami and another time by Baltimore.) These players are not the future of Washington, they’re just your excuse to sit a player you were never fond of. Just like when you coached Denver and traded Clinton Portis for Champ Bailey. And now look, he’s your running back once again. There’s a reason why players stay playing and coaches take a hike. Coaches are disposable. Talented players are not.

Sunday was an overall sucky day. I hated every minute of it. I wish it had never taken place. That’s number one on my Christmas list. The number one thing on a lot of NFL team’s Christmas list is having to play NFC West teams or having the pleasure to be in that conference. How nice it must be to have a cupcake path to the playoffs. Fuck. Seattle, St. Louis, San Fran, and Arizona all had the privilege of getting their asses beat. Wow. As I think about it, there were quite the beatings this weekend. San Diego started it off with their trouncing of San Fran, all thanks to V.Jax and Rivers. Boy, do I love them. They’re both within the top 5 of my favorite players. V.Jax is numero uno. Then there was the beating Atlanta and Oakland handed out. Atlanta practically had the week off as they went up against Pete Carroll and the Seahawks. Sorry Pete, this isn’t college and you’re not coaching Southern Cal anymore. Oakland, on the other hand, showed Jesus that even though he can walk on water and create the world in six days, he cannot lead the Broncos to a win. I guess some things are just not meant to happen.

However, there were some close games. Buffalo and Miami for instances. No one really cares how this game ended though. ESPN says it was 17-14 Buffalo. I feel bad for the reporter having to cover that game. Then there was the Eagles, Giants game. I can’t get into detail on this because I’ll just ramble and raise my blood pressure. Just know it was 38-31 and it ended on a punt return with approximately 10 second left on the clock. Yeah, I know, just kick it out of bounds. Anyways, Dallas and Washington was another close one, 33-30. Way to go Washington. Without Dez and Roy Williams, you allowed Jon Kitna to throw for over 300 yards and multiple touchdowns. You are partly to blame for my collapse in my fantasy league. At least with McNabb at the helm I would have known Santana Moss wouldn’t have done better than 4-5 points. Instead he went for 20ish. I fucking hate your city, owner, and coach. Bunch of bitchasses. Just like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. An 8-6 record looks respectable, until you look into it and realize not one of those wins was against respectable opponents. And with a 23-20 loss to Detroit, your résumé looks no better. Suck it Tampa.

And suck it Gary Kubiak. Earlier in the season, I went off on the Kubs. I disagreed with his play calling and his usage of his players. Well once again I’m going off. Excuse my French, but what the fuck were you thinking running the ball with Arian Foster only 10 times?! I’m aware that with 10 minutes to go in the 4th he was pulled due to a “muscle cramp in his glute”, but that was just Foster for “I’m not running around blocking anymore for some suckass coach and quarterback. I’m not an offensive lineman.” A 31-17 loss to the Titans, a team struggling to score points, is unacceptable. As well is allowing two of your players to fight each other after a play. What kind of prison yard are you running? Use your weapons, otherwise Bill Cowher is going to take your job. And, for the record, I hope he does. Two more deserving members of riding the suck stick..Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne. Pardon my French again, but what the fuck were you two doing Sunday afternoon? Thanks to Peyton’s apparent racism, Reggie finished with 30 receiving yards and Austin Collie finished with his second concussion of the season. It just goes to show that white men can jump, but we cannot take a hit. Pass the ball to Reggie!

Other games that were played Sunday: Cincinnati broke their winless streak defeating the Browns 19-17, Carolina won the field goal fest against Arizona, 19-12, Baltimore finally discovered Ray Rice sitting in their backfield and chose to use him. He subsequently galloped for 153 rushing yards, 200+ all purpose yards, and a pair of touchdowns. Oh, and Baltimore defeated the Saints 30-24. New England withstood the surprise Matt Flynn handed them, winning 31-27. God I wish Rodgers would have played. And the J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!  broke down the Steel Curtain 22-17. For some reason, the Steel Curtain isn’t as strong when Mr. Head and Shoulders isn’t roaming around.

Someone who wishes this year would just end, and end soon – Brett Favre. On Saturday, this dude ruled himself out of Monday’s contest versus the Bears. Then after all the complaints regarding the playing surface and the weather, he decided an hour before the game that he was healthy enough to play. Right. Guess what happened to this poor shmuck? His head was used as an ice breaker. A rookie defensive end for the Bears drove the hall of famer’s head into the “frozen” ground, concussing the legend. Brett’s hope of retiring on a good note was shattered along with his skull. Everyone thought that Brett’s last play would be an interception. Just like it was in Green Bay and this past offseason as a Minnesota Viking. But Brett had to show them; he would go out a hero. Well Brett, your last play was not an interception, in fact it may have been a sack. Congrats Brett, congrats. Now just quit.

And so the curse of “the highest scoring team” lives on. SHIT!!!! SHIT!!!! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Bull..shit! “Oh, I don’t know how to set a lineup.” Fuck you Chase, fuck you Mike! Fuck you! Stupid wise men! Stupid eggs! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Read my words, “There’s no Santa Claus. There’s no God. There’s no Christmas. There’s no Easter bunny. There’s nothing, nothing, nothing.” I now know how it feels to be Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts. You run through the regular season, scoring tons of points, running rough shot on the entire league, only to be shockingly struck down by an overachiever. Fuck! Not only that, but Matt Dodge can’t punt a ball out of bounds, the other ten guys can’t tackle, and don’t get me started on the canine slayer. Apparently he’s still living life as a video game, Madden style. After this torturing weekend, which featured excessive financial saddening brought on by Christmas, fantasy football disappointment, and of course, the let down brought on by the New York Football Giants, the only thing keeping me away from attempted suicide was the thought of spending a week in San Diego, California from January 5th-12th. Ahhhhh. Warm weather, warm weather, and oh yeah, more warm weather. For those of you who don’t know me, this trip was my Christmas present from my girlfriend. Yeah, Kevin Federline isn’t the only white boy who knows what he’s doing. Holla. So for you jabronies opening up socks, underwear, long johns, cologne, movies, or the favorite, a tie and shirt set, my lady and I will be soaking up the sun on some beach, while sipping on all kinds of drinks. Suck it bitches!


One Comment

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  1. keithosaunders / Dec 22 2010 4:06 am

    I’m one of those Michael Vick owners and he is indeed winning me my league. I’ve won like 9 straight and I’m going to the finals this week. He’s an automatic #1 next year, isn’t he?

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