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December 15, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio


Fantasy Stud: Matt Schaub. Your boxscore at the end of the night was amazing. Your team’s comeback was also amazing. Your game-winning throw to a Baltimore defender in overtime- less than amazing. But still, 393 passing yards and 3 touchdowns will make any fantasy owner proud. Because let’s face it, unless you’re a diehard fan of a team, no one cares about team victories. It’s all about the stats. Get money, get paid.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Darren McFadden. I tried telling Gulf Coast Oilers to play you over Steven Jackson. But he remained on S.Jax dick. And, unfortunately for him, you went off for 123 rushing yards, 2 rushing touchdowns, 86 receiving yards, and a receiving touchdown. Kudos to you. And kudos to me. Now as a favor to me, how about you take this next week off? Pen Bars & VH1 Stars would love you for it.

Fantasy Dud: Jay Cutler. Whooaaa buddy. Ain’t nothing like straight blowing balls. You managed 3 fantasy points against the 31st ranked pass defense. Aaron Rodgers finished 1 point less than you and he was knocked out of his game mid way through the 2nd quarter. And, to make matters worse, your play indirectly and directly affected the play of one Matt Forte who occupied a starting spot on my fantasy team. However, thanks to you, he no longer does.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Jamaal Charles. Mr. Charles in Charge. 40 yards rushing and 4 fantasy points against the San Diego “Less than Super” Chargers? What in the world happened to you? That’s no way to step up your play in a game when running the ball was of the utmost importance. With no Matt Cassel and a matchup against a divisional foe you needed to come out firing. Instead you came out noobing it, straight spray and paying.

Fantasy Douche: Anquan Boldin. I recently caught a few clips of you over the weekend. Some of which included blocks, catches, broken tackles, you know “the ultimate clips of your career.” Well it got me to thinking, “damn are you a beast.” I watched you lay out a defensive end while blocking a run play, catch a ball in traffic against the Jets back when you played for Arizona, and then catch one in last week’s game against Pittsburgh where you were shown breaking tackles and running 25 yards upon first contact. It was amazing. You had my respect. But then Monday night came again Houston’s 32nd rank pass defense and you went for 40 receiving yards. With most of them happening towards the end of the game. 4 points isn’t going to make anyone happy. Not fantasy owners, not fans, not teammates. Play like a dominate receiving consistently, play like it matters.

Special Shout-Out Douche: Sal Alosi. You are the strength and conditioning coach for the New York Jets. However, it was quite apparent that you were unhappy working behind the scenes and were in search of some face time. Well you got all the face time you could ever want. And you did it by intentionally sticking your leg out and tripping the opposing team’s gunner as he sprinted down the field during a punt. Not only is this bad enough, but the athlete you tripped was injured during the whole ordeal. Yes you were suspended for the remainder of the season, and yes you were fined, but I’m not so sure that’s enough. Your actions are as bush league as they come. As a coach you are looked at as being responsible, mature and respectful. But you are no better than any player spitting or punching an opponent, a player convicted of taking PEDs, or Bill Beli-douche during Spygate. You are an intentional cheater.

Shout Outs: Brett Favre. Your streak of 297 straight regular season starts came to an end Monday night against the Giants. In an era when players go down with turf toe, sprained ankles, wrists, shoulders, and concussions, you made it 20+ years without a missed game. Monday I woke up and just wasn’t “feeling it” so I didn’t go to school. Kudos to you. You are more of a man than I. You can retire and unretire as many times as you want.  

Kiss The Baby: Ronnie Brown. I kept you on my fantasy roster hoping I’d get at least one blowup week. But none as of late. And even with Buffalo and Detroit on the schedule for week 15 and week 16, I’m sending you a sympathy card because your fantasy season is dead.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Matt Forte. Your stats make you look like an “A” caliber running back. However, your play is nothing to write home about. At one point, touchdowns were your strong suit, but now, now Chester Taylor is vulturing those. Yards aren’t going to do it for me or any other fantasy owner. You need to reach pay dirt more often. Like maybe 2-3 times this weekend and next. Then, and only then, will you make it safely out of the “triangle”

Flying Under the Radar: Brandon Jacobs. You bitched and you moaned at the beginning of the season. You even went as far as requesting a trade. But then Tom slapped you in your face and told you to man up, run some defenders over, and make yourself relevant once again. And boy have you done that. Back to back to back weeks of 100+ yards and a touchdown have given the Giants an extreme 1-2 punch at running back. Keep those legs churning and get yourself another ring big boy!

Fantasy Crush: Michael Turner. You had 112 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns in week 14. Of course you did. Why wouldn’t you have your blowup week of the year on the week that I’m playing against you? Luckily, week 14 had no ramifications for me in fantasy. It just proved that out of all the teams in my league, the last place team was the only one I finished winless against. Congratulations Been Rapelisberger’d.

Lightning Bolt of the Week: In case you’ve been under a rock, in a coma, or simply don’t watch cable or surf the net, the roof of the Minnesota Vikings stadium collapsed during a snow storm Saturday night. What?! Yeah. Apparently the roof isn’t a typical roof, you know the kinds most harsh weathered teams play under, no, it’s an inflatable roof. And it seems as though it deflates rather easy. During Saturday’s snow storm that dropped approximately 2 feet of snow on Minneapolis, the roof caved under the weight, tearing multiple holes in the lining and dumping boat loads of snow inside. My first thought was, “wow, how in the world did the roof collapse?” But, upon hearing all the facts my new thought it, “how in the world can you build a stadium which features an inflatable roof in a geographic location known for snow and its harsh weather?” Basically, Minnesota was asking for a problem like this to happen. You are not part of the circus or the Big Top Minnesota; you are part of a billion dollar corporation- the NFL. All you have done is mock the league, your city, your players, your fans, and your organization. Thanks to some hair brained scheme by upper management, season ticket holders of the Minnesota Vikings and fans of the Minnesota Vikings are without two home games this year.

It’s mid December, which means its cold; there’s ice and snow has started to fall. Son. Of. A. Bitch. Where’s the global warming Al Gore? Any who, with all of these characteristics, only one thing could be upon us… the fantasy football playoffs. Holla. And if you’re anything like me, you’re happy, excited, and a little nervous. After all the pre-draft studying, draft analyzing, drafting, and minor tweaks throughout the season, the most important two weeks are here. Jim Mora isn’t the only one who gets worked up for the playoffs. But, it’s not just the fantasy world that has the playoffs on its way; the NFL too is rounding that turn. With teams such as Kansas City, Jacksonville, Baltimore, the Jets, San Diego, Indianapolis, Miami, and Oakland in the AFC and Chicago, Philadelphia, St. Louis, New Orleans, the Giants, Tampa Bay, Green Bay, Seattle, and San Fran in the NFC, the last four spots within each conference are up for grabs….

Just like every pass thrown by Mark Sanchez. Holy shit does that guy suck. He comes out of the USC with tons of hype, is on his second season in the NFL, and is currently being outplayed by a dude who recently served two years behind bars. Go figure. Not only has he struggled with the defenses of Denver (19th ranked), Detroit (13th), and Green Bay (3rd), but he made New England’s 31st ranked defense against the pass look like Ditka’s ’85 Bears. Then this weekend arrived and brought Miami and its 6th ranked pass defense. And all Sanchez did was continue his ride of the suck stick. He threw multiple interceptions and his offense once again finished without an offensive touchdown. A 10-6 loss to the Miami Dolphins at home, in December, has turned a onetime championship favorite into a fizzling squad just barely making the playoffs. Then there’s the Indianapolis Colts. A team that looked as if they were going to fizzle out may have suddenly caught fire. And who could have doubted them, especially with Peyton Manning quarterbacking. In a 30-28 defeat of the Tennessee Titans, the Colts kept their division and playoff hopes alive. If only Peyton could figure out a way to improve his teams run defense. Maybe like that of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Perhaps the best team at stopping the run, the Steel Curtain went about their business this weekend, dominating the Cincinnati Bengals 23-7, scoring two defensive touchdowns in the win. Fear The Hair. Fear. The. Hair. And I’m not talking about Tom Brady and his luscious locks, I’m talking about Troy Polamalu. Though, New England’s  play against the Bears, a 36-7 drubbing, does have Brady and crew looking like the ultimate AFC contenders. Either that or the Bears are a mirage. Hmmm, speaking of mirages, the San Diego Chargers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs 31-0. With this game I couldn’t figure out which team was the bigger imposter. Granted KC was without its starting quarterback, Matt Cassel, but San Diego hasn’t been the model of consistency. The AFC West is quite like the NFC West, someone has to make the playoffs even though none of which are deserving.

The NFC West got even wilder after this weekend. Seattle and St. Louis, the division leaders, both got beat and got beat bad. Seattle (6-7) traveled to San Fran (5-8) and got the lumber laid to them in a 40-21 throbbing. St. Louis, on the other hand, lost to a more respectable opponent, last year’s Super Bowl champions, the New Orleans Saints. However, their lost was just as bad, 31-13. Then there were the Arizona Cardinals. The team every NFL franchise wishes they could play every weekend, every franchise except the Denver Broncos. Wow. Way to get embarrassed by the leagues worse. A loss is one thing but a 43-13 loss is another. I think it’s time Jesus gets his snaps in. Go get ‘em Tebow.

On the conversation of backup quarterbacks, my attention shifts to Minnesota and Green Bay. Green Bay lost Aaron Rodgers in the 2nd quarter to a concussion, and subsequently lost the game 7-3 to the Detroit Lions. All the cheese heads around the world better hope Rodgers is as quick a healer as his predecessor Brett Favre. On the subject of Brett Favre, his current team Minnesota has been irrelevant as they’ve been eliminated from playoff contention since week 4, but any team with Brett Favre quarterbacking is going to be talked about, and talked about often. Which leads to the number 298. That would be the consecutive starts of Brett Favre’s career. Unfortunately it didn’t take place. And you can thank Bill’s defensive player Arthur Moats. I’m sure he’s as just as devastated as us all. I’m guessing no man has ever received more hate mail within the last week than him. And he will continue receiving such mail because without Favre, the Vikings looked as bad as ever. Tavaris once again proved that he is not an NFL starting quarterback. Sorry. The Vikings started off as a ball of flame, but soon flamed out losing 21-3. And the game wasn’t even that close.

 At least not as close as the Tampa Bay, Washington game or Baltimore, Houston game. Tampa Bay versus Washington saw the Redskins running back Ryan Torain run roughhouse on Tampa Bay’s defense, as the Redskins led for most of the game. Nevertheless, the Bucs made a comeback and took the lead with only minutes to go. Down 17-10, Donovan and his boys drove all the way down the field, scoring a touchdown with seconds remaining. All of D.C. was jubilant. Until the extra point. The snap went right through the holders hands and so went the game. But that wasn’t as saddening as what happened in Houston the next day. In a game that saw the home town team, Houston, go down 28-7, there were no shortage of heroics. With only the second half remaining, the Houston Texans drove 99 yards and 95 yards for two touchdowns in order to tie the game and send it into overtime. Houston was ecstatic. Reliant Stadium was in a state of euphoria. Baltimore received the ball first in overtime, but subsequently punted it in its first possession. Houston had the ball at its own 8. 92 yards were the only things standing in the way of a miraculous come from behind win. However, Houston forgot about its prized possession, Mr. Foster. The league’s number 1 rusher was standing in the back field blocking for three straight pass plays. The last saw Matt Schaub throw an 8 yard interception for a touchdown. Oh the pain. But what did you expect from a team who threw the ball 62 times, is known for its poor finishes, and who can’t play a lick of defense. It was only a matter of time. Maybe this will be a wakeup call for Gary Kubiak, maybe he’s finally learned that unless your team is quarterbacked by Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, a strong, consistent running game is a must have. Let’s just hope that the Foster Child will receive 30+ carries in weeks 15 and 16.


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