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December 7, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio

WEEK 13 AWARDS

Fantasy Stud: Reggie Wayne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me here it New England, “Brady should have got it”, “Brady’s a god”, “We’re the best.” All I hear is blah, blah, blah. Reggie Wayne is my god, and he got fantasy stud because of it. 200 receiving yards and a touchdown with most of his work coming in the second half on a team we’re the rest of the wide receiving core is practice squad participants. This man just gets the job done no matter who is covering him or how many are covering him. Get money, get paid Reggie.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Adrian Peterson. Look what happens when the coaching staff hands it off to their 220 pound freight train; 107 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns. Not to mention a 38-14 victory for the Purple People Eaters. A.D. “All Day” aka “Purple Jesus” is a stud.

Fantasy Dud: Dwayne Bowe. Week 11 wasn’t your 3 catches, 30 yards and no touchdown performance, week 13 was. Except you didn’t go for 3 catches, 30 yards and no touchdowns; you went for 0 catches, 0 yards and 0 touchdowns. Whooaaa.  So much for being a stud wide receiver, Greg Jennings doesn’t even pull weeks like that. You, my friend, are an anomaly

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Peyton Hillis. Gulf Coast Oilers told me you were the greatest thing since sliced bread. Well, I’ve never been one for slice bread and I was never one for you. But, for him, I gave you Fantasy Stud Mention last week. Then this week came and you went for 57 rushing yards and 22 receiving yards. You are no longer a stud and I will never think otherwise. You are simply a small, more compact version of a fullback.

Fantasy Douche: The Human Body. Dez Bryant’s right fibula, Frank Gore’s right hip, Percy Harvin’s migraines, and Vincent Jackson’s calf. You have combined to f’ over my fantasy team, leaving me to scrap free agency and pick up Earl Bennett and Davone Bess. Wow, am I screwed going into the playoffs. Thank you Human Body, thank you.

Special Shout-Out Douche: Albert Haynesworth. In 2009, you signed a 7-year $100 million contract.  And you sucked all year. Then 2010 came and Mike Shannahan became coach. Big things were on the horizon with Shannahan, a former Super Bowl winning coach, taking the helm. But you refused to play in his 3-4 scheme, citing that you were not a nose tackle. Sorry, but at 6’6’’ and 340 pounds, you are a nose tackle. Anyways, with all this, you still decided to accept the $21 million bonus, keeping you on the roster. However, all you have done since Kickoff Weekend is complain, complain, and complain, blaming everyone around you without ever taking responsibility. You fat boy, are an over-paid, over estimated, self-indulged, lazy sack of shit. You owe Dan Snyder $120 million.

Shout Outs: The Denver Broncos and Josh McDaniels. A year and a half ago, Denver thought it had found its man in Josh McDaniels. But instead it turned out to be smoke and mirrors, a frog dressed as prince charming, and a wolf in sheep’s clothing. All three properly depict Josh McDaniels. Oh, and Spygate 2. What the hell were you thinking? Don’t you remember getting caught for that in New England? I guess once you work for Beli-douche, you turn into a douche. Notice how Beli-douche, Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis, and Josh McDaniels have yet to win anything of significance since being caught red handed. It’s because God hates cheaters. Although, he did agree to be drafted by one of them and he did serve as the backup quarterback in Denver for the last 13 weeks. Unfortunately for him, his season and possibly career, may be coming to a close. That is unless he fights dogs, serves time in the penitentiary, is signed by Philly, tutored by Andy Reid, and turned into the greatest quarterback we’ve ever seen. I smell an apocalypse.

Kiss The Baby: Tim Tebow. Unless the aforementioned above happens, adios amigo, it’s been nice knowing you. Urban Meyer could use you in Florida, maybe you should check if you have any eligibility left.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Dustin Keller. You’ve not only been irrelevant in New York, but you’ve gone on the milk cartons in many fantasy leagues. S.T.L. says, “Thanks douche.”

Flying Under the Radar: LeSean “Shady” McCoy. I mostly like you for your nickname, Shady. But 823 rushing yards, 7 rushing touchdowns, 534 receiving yards, and 2 receiving yards will also help. You’ve been Brian Westbrook without the reoccurring, nagging injuries. With yourself, Mike Vick and DeSean Jackson, Philly is not only guaranteed to never lose in a foot race, but also guaranteed to be good for many years.

Fantasy Crush: Gregory J, or for the non-readers, Gregory Jennings. In the last four weeks, you’ve gone: 7 catches, 80 yards, 1 touchdown; 7 catches, 152 yards, 3 touchdowns; 5 catches, 119 yards, no touchdowns; and 6 catches, 122 yards, 1 touchdown. Money in the bank, now tell me whatchu drink.

Lightning Bolt of the Week: The San Diego Chargers were swept… by the Oakland Raiders. Holy shi-attt. Not even Al Davis saw that coming. In a division in which the Chargers should dominate, and dominate for a prolonged period of time, they’ve come up empty handed year in and year out. At 6-6, there’s still a chance at making the playoffs. But with losses like this, no running game, injuries plaguing the wide receiving position, Norv Turner at head coach, and A.J. Smith at General Manager, it’s almost certain the Chargers will be going nowhere for the time being.

Oh, lucky week 13. The make or break week for many teams and divisions. It proved to us that the NFC West is still the NFC worst. San Fran showed no effort as Rodgers and the Pack did whatever in a 34-16 thrashing. Nothing made it more obvious than Donald Drivers’ 61 yard catch-and-run that saw him break numerous tackles en route to a game-breaking touchdown. But then Arizona went and topped it all off as they rotated between 3 quarterbacks with Derek Anderson getting pulled in the 3rd, having yet to surpass the 100 yard plateau. But don’t worry Arizonians, he puts his whole heart and soul into that shit each and every week. There was a bright spot this week for the NFC West: two of the division’s members were playing each other. St. Louis won over Arizona, 19-6, and Seattle played Carolina, which is as good as a bye, winning in convincing fashion 31-14. 

However, they weren’t the only convincing win or blowout of week 13. Actually, there were a few. Minnesota lost the invincible one that is the Ironman Brett Favre, but T.Jax stepped up and did his best Favre impersonation leading his team to a 38-14 victory and throwing 3 picks in the process. The New York “Football” Giants ran it down the throats of the ‘Skins in a 31-7 rout. And, the J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets! played like S-H-I-T, Shit! Shit! Shit! A whole bunch of hype brought a very limited amount of competition. The game was pretty much wrapped up after the first few possessions, with the Pats winning 45-3. Thanks Beli-douche.  Then there were some surprisingly competitive games: the Saints and Bengals, the Bears and Lions, the Colts and Cowboys, and the Falcons and Bucs. The Saints and Bengals nearly went to overtime, but Pat Sims, a Bengals lineman, jumped offsides on 4th and 2 with the Saints at the Bengals 7 yard line. All signs pointed to Drew Brees using fake cadences to create an offside call or letting the game clock run down and calling a timeout, electing to kick a game tying field goal. They got their offsides call and they got their game-winning touchdown. Way to go Bungals, you found another way to lose. Just like Peyton and the Colts. I know it’s the season of giving and all, but Manning is taking it to another level. In his last 3 games he is responsible for 11 interceptions, with 2 of them resulting in pick 6’s for the opposition. Even with that, the Colts were in overtime tied 35-35 with a chance to win the game. But Peyton decided to continue the giving, throwing his fourth interception of the day, resulting in a game clinching field goal by the Cowboys and a 38-35 victory. C’mon man! Another c’mon man recipient is Ed Hochuli. A forearm shiver from Ndamukong Suh to Jay Cutler? That’s what you saw? C’mon man! Check the replay; it was a 300 pound lineman shoving a 200 pound man to the turf. Cutler was in the process of coming to a stop, cutting up a defender, and Suh ran right up and through him. It’s Cutler’s fault for not sliding. Kind of like it was Chicago’s fault for putting themselves in that situation. How are you ever supposed to be looked at as being an elite team if you’re struggling with the Detroit Lions? That’s twice this season that a ref’s call has earned you a victory. That’s not elite status. What is elite status is the Atlanta Falcons. Those dirty birds went into Tampa, faced the creamsicles which are the old school Buccaneers, and came out with a hard earned, most deserved 28-24 win. The birds are 10-2, on pace to lock up their division and to lock up home-field throughout the playoffs in the NFC.  Hot-lanta is being owned by Matty Ice.

What shouldn’t have been owned were tickets to either the Dolphins-Browns game, Denver-Chiefs game, or Jaguars-Titans game. All three were horrendous, like the teams who were involved. The Dolphins-Browns game went until the 3rd quarter without scoring a touchdown and finished 13-10 in favor of the Browns. That was thanks to a Chad Henne interception with less than a minute left in the game and the Dolphins down at their own 20 yard line. The Browns subsequently kicked a 19 yard field goal and won the game. Wow. Then there were the Chiefs and Broncos. Like the Dolphins and Browns, neither team was interested in scoring touchdowns. However, the Chiefs mustered up one end-zone celebration, but made sure they earned it as they committed numerous penalties at the goal-line each and every time someone scored. The Chiefs won the game 10-6. That leaves us with the Jaguars and the Titans. Wow, I know nothing of what happened in this game. This is mostly because each team is that bad to where ESPN had minimal highlights for their action. NFL.com tells me Jacksonville won 17-6 so I’ll believe ‘em. It also tells me that Oakland swept the season series with the Chargers, as they came away with a road win 28-13. But I was already aware of this, as the gunslinger Philip Rivers is my fantasy quarterback. F’ you and your measly 18 points. Also, f’ Pittsburgh’s defense for playing elite level status during a week in which I expected results similar to that of the New England game. That elite level status led to a 13-10 victory in a hostile environment with an injured quarterback. Buen trabajo.

As it has become quite obvious, there are many things that I hate. New England as a society, girls who claim “I’m not that type of girl” but are in fact “that type of girl”, the NFL’s new hitting rule, the Dallas Cowboys, stupidity, needy women, athletes in search of a new contract because “they have to feed their families”, LeBrick James, Gulf Coast Oilers’ trading skills, white trash, teenage pregnancy, cheese, bacon, and of course Bill Beli-douche. Well, now you can add inconsistency to that category; the NFL’s inconsistency that is. Last week, James Harrison was fined and penalized for a roughing the passer penalty on Ryan Fitzpatrick. The week before that, it was the same penalty on Jason Campbell. Both were far from being roughing the passer plays. However, in the same Steelers-Bills game as the roughing the quarterback penalty on Ryan Fitzpatrick, a non call took place on the opposing quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger. He was sacked and intentionally rolled up on after the whistle had already been blown. This resulted in a fractured right ankle. No penalty or fined was handed out. Then in last night’s Steelers-Ravens game, the same quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, was blatantly slapped/punched in the face by Raven’s defender Haloti Ngata. This led to a broken and subsequent bloody nose. No penalty was called. Health Miller, a tight end for the Steelers, was involved in a helmet to helmet hit during the same Steelers-Ravens game.  But no penalty was issued again. Both plays were found to be illegal today, leading to fines, but both could have change the outcome of the game played. Too often has this has been the case. A few years back, Carson Palmer of the Cincinnati Bengals was involved in a below-the-knee tackle before the rule was implemented. No rule or penalty would be called or developed. Not until one of the “faces” of the NFL was involved. Once Tom Brady was lost for the season on the same type of play, the “Tom Brady rule” was developed to where no quarterback could be hit below the knee. Same thing with the “hits to the head” rule. The NFL knows where its money players are and who they are. These new “hitting rules” are out to save certain players and to stop others. Lawrence Taylor used to play and hit the same way as James Harrison, but because James was quoted as saying “he goes out to hurt players”, he’s been deemed an illegal hitter. With Roethlisberger, because he is a mobile quarterback, he’s going to be penalized with hits that Peyton and Brady would never receive. And both cases are unfortunate. The NFL and its referees need to treat each and every play with the same type of respect. Just because Carson Palmer and Ben Roethlisberger aren’t faces of the NFL like Brady and Peyton, or just because James Harrison admitted something that Lawrence Taylor and the rest of the NFL hasn’t, but knew to be true, don’t go penalizing or not penalizing teams and/or individuals. This week saw Ndamukong Suh get penalized for a legal play and Haloti Ngata and Jameel McClain not get penalized for illegal plays. Yes, the NFL has made a league wide rule, but no, the NFL has not policed this rule league wide. If there’s going to be illegal hits, let them be across the board, not just on certain players or teams.

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