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November 30, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio


Fantasy Stud: Dwayne Bowe.  After getting my ass beat by you, I predicted that you’d go for 3 catches, 30 yards, and 0 touchdowns the following week.  Well, you didn’t.  Good thing I’m no Miss Cleo.  Instead you’ve gone for 13 catches, 186 yards, and 2 touchdowns; 6 catches 109 yards and 2 touchdowns; 13 catches, 170 yards and 3 touchdowns in respective weeks.  Get money, get paid.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Peyton Hillis.  I knew nothing of you before this year.  And I doubt anyone outside of the Cleveland Browns and Denver Broncos could beg to differ.  You are a talented skill player in Cleveland.  Odd.  You are a talented “white” skill player.  Odder.  With that, you are making every fantasy owner smile.  Let’s just hope you take your foot off the gas for week 13.  Pen Bars and VH1 Stars would appreciate it greatly.

Fantasy Dud: Chris Johnson.  We’ve all had the occasional 0 in a fantasy player’s category.  Sometimes they’ll get hurt early in a game or they’ll sit out, but won’t mention it until right before kickoff, leaving you with a guaranteed goose egg.  But you Chris Johnson, your goose egg was much different.  YOU PLAYED THE ENTIRE GAME.  You were the number 1 pick in most fantasy leagues, and you are the focal point of your team’s offense.  At least I thought you were.  7 carries for 5 yards and 2 catches for 2 yards.  Holy shit.  Lucky for you, you didn’t have to shower after the game cause numbers like that don’t build sweat.  Douche.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Mike Wallace.  You’ve blossomed into Big Ben’s favorite deep threat.  But then Buffalo hit.  Most saw your matchup, smiled, and kept you in their starting lineups.  But come 4 p.m. Sunday, those same folk were irate.  Stevie Johnson, with his 75 drops Sunday, still caught more footballs than you.  Get your game up.

Fantasy Douche: Injuries.  Injuries have wrecked havoc on a majority of teams in my league, except mine.  That was until week 12.  Dear Lord, why, oh why did you have to take Frank Gore away from me?  I know I have Matt Forte, but how reliable can he really be?  And Ronnie Brown, he hasn’t been much of anything.  That leaves me with only Arian Foster.  Then you take Vincent Jackson after only 2 plays.  Why?  I haven’t stopped crying since last night.  I look like a high school girl who just got dumped.  My eyes are swollen, red, and teary.  And I haven’t been able to let go of the Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream.  Fuck me.

Special Shout-Out Douche: Frank Gore’s right hip.  What the fuck Frank?  You get tackled on a typical sweep left and break a hip?  What are you, Frank Gifford?  You’re supposed to be a healthy, young running back and you’re running like an 80 year old man.  I had gift baskets for you, Philip Rivers, and Arian Foster, but fuck your shit; you’re getting a year supply of Os-Cal.

Shout Outs: Stevie Johnson.  You had me at “Why So Serious” last week, but after seeing your post game interview Sunday, you’ve cemented it.  You took responsibility, paid homage to your teammates and said that dropping passes are unacceptable.  “As a wide receiver we’re not supposed to drop the ball. We get paid to catch the ball”  Touché my brotha.  But with every good story comes some twisted version.  And that’s when Monday hit us.  Apparently Stevie Johnson’s outlook on the situation changed 24 hours later.  Don’t worry Stevie, I too have questioned out loud.  I’m just smart enough not to put it viral.  But, let me guess, someone hacked your account??  Anyways, here’s what Stevie J. tweeted: “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…”

Kiss The Baby: San Francisco.  You were 4-6 with Frank Gore in a division where Boise State and TCU could go undefeated.  You’ll go 2-4 without him, leading to a 6-10 record and possible playoff berth via winning the NFC West.  Wow.  Runner-up was Josh McDaniels.  Anyone who gets caught cheating and still manages to lose games sucks at whatever they’re doing.  Sorry Josh, you are no Bill Beli-douche.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Larry Fitzgerald.  I bet right now you’re wishing Kurt didn’t decide to do Dancing with the Stars.  That or Derek Anderson wasn’t your quarterback.  Holy shit does that guy blow.  You’ve managed 728 yards receiving and 5 touchdowns for the year, but a majority of this has been in garbage time when your team is a handful of touchdowns behind and the defense is playing Prevent.  You were drafted as a number 1 receiver, but your numbers are that of a 3rd option.  I know this because my homeboy owns you.  Today, we mourn Frank Gore and his right hip.  Week 17, we mourn your lackluster play for the season.

Flying Under the Radar: James Harrison and his fines as of this year.  James has paid more in fines this year than I have made working throughout my life.  Tuesday, he was fined $25,000 for a roughing the passer penalty on Ryan Fitzpatrick (might I add it was a legal hit.)  He has also been fined $75,000 for a unnecessary roughness penalty on Mohamed Massaquoi, $20,000 for a roughing the passer penalty on Drew Brees, and $5,000 for a late hit on Vince Young.  That’s $125,000 for 4 hits.  The NFL is straight raping this unfortunate man for doing his job.  Fuck you NFL, and fuck you Goodell.

Fantasy Crush: Jamaal Charles.  Mr. Charles in Charge.  If it weren’t for Mr. Dwayne “David” Bowe, fantasy experts would be going crazy for you.  Instead, you’ve sailed along quietly.  You’re second in the NFL in rushing and you’ve made the Kansas front office question why they ever wasted money on Thomas Jones.  I appreciate your fantasy skills as I owned you last year.  You, my friend, have me crushing.

Lightning Bolt of the Week: The NFC West was brought to my attention this week as I was forced to watch the San Francisco 49ers and the Arizona Cardinals on Monday Night Football.  The NFC West is a division which houses the San Francisco 49ers, Arizona Cardinals, St. Louis Rams, and Seattle Seahawks.  The division leader is 5-6 and that would be the Seattle Seahawks and St. Louis Rams; the 49ers are 4-7 and the Cardinals are 3-8.  How proud they must be.  Now, I wouldn’t be writing about this shitty division unless there was an underlining reason.  And that would be that every division winner in the NFL makes the playoffs and is granted a home game.  What the fuck NFL, what the fuck.  With this rule, it is possible that any of these 4 teams could make the division with a 6-10, 7-9 or 8-8 record.  No team has ever made the playoffs with a record under 8-8.  With one of these teams making the playoffs, that eliminates two of these teams from making the playoff: the Atlanta Falcons (9-2), Philadelphia Eagles (7-4), Chicago Bears (8-3), Green Bay Packers (7-4), New Orleans Saints (8-3), New York Giants (7-4), or Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-4).  These teams play in divisions which are competitive and therefore must rely on winning their division or winning the wildcard.  Somebody needs to change this format.  The playoffs are supposed to be the best 6 teams from each conference, not the 5 best teams and a division winner.  Lay off the hitting rule Roger and get on the playoff format.


This week brought turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries and all the pie you could eat; along with a little football.  Tradition has it that Detroit and Dallas play on Thanksgiving, but if the Pilgrims would have been smarter settlers they would have chosen better teams.  That and a better spot to settle than Plymouth, Massachusetts.  But, that’s last week, back to this week.  Bill Beli-douche poisoned the Lions locker room at halftime with tryptophan, as it became quite obvious Detroit played the second half in a sleepy, somber mood.  Then again, they are the franchise that went 0-16, so they could just suck.  I’ll let you be the judge on that one.  Dallas proved that they are indeed a suckass, losing team as they obeyed rule #1 of the handbook: “While on national television, find a way to lose.” I guess that answers the Detroit question.  On to the final game of Turkey day, the Bungals, I mean Bengals, verse the Jets.  Rex Ryan challenged the decision, noting that he was not a fan of playing on Thanksgiving.  He compared it to making Jesus work on Christmas.  Said he’d rather work his birthday, wedding anniversary, and Christmas than the glorious day that is Thanksgiving.  The NFL ruled that Rex Ryan indeed had to work Thanksgiving and that the decision was beneficial to him steering clear of excessive fats.  That and diabetes.  Still, with all the abundance of food, family, and mediocre football, Sunday came.  Sunday brought game winning field goals, missed game winning field goals, missed game-winning opportunities, and a fight.

First, the game-winning field goals.  Pittsburgh escaped the grasps of the lonely, desperate, win seeking Bills just like the football escaped the hands of Stevie Johnson throughout the game.  Sorry Stevie.  The Steelers won 19-16.  Matt Ryan, or Matty Ice as Atlanta knows him, extended his home dominance in a 20-17 win over Mr. Rodger’s, his neighbors, and the Green Bay Packers.  Matt Ryan is now 19-1 in the Georgia Dome.  Damn.  Then there were the St. Louis Rams and the Denver Broncos.  This game ended by 3 points, 36-33, but there was no game winning field goal.  Sorry for the misguidedness.  Speaking of misguidedness, this leads me to next portion of the week, “missed game-winning field goals and missed game-winning opportunities.”  There was plenty of “misguidedness” this week.  John Kasay misguided a football off his foot as the Carolina Panthers lost to the Cleveland Browns 24-23.  Bruce Gradkowski misguided every pass intended for his receivers into the dirt or the hands of the opposition, as Oakland lost to Miami 33-17.  Seattle’s defensive coordinator misguided his secondary as Dwayne Bowe ran wild, leading Kansas City to a 42-24 win.  The Giants, misguided for much of the 1st half and start of the 3rd quarter, led themselves to a 24-20 victory.  This was mostly due to the misguided leadership of the Jacksonville Jaguars.  Julius Peppers and his boys were happy to help misguide the Philadelphia Eagles as Cutler and crew diced up the Eagles defense, while Peppers and his bunch held tight their leash on Vick.  And yes, that was a dog joke.  Just like the continued play of Donovan McNabb.  Well, his play isn’t really a dog joke, mostly just a joke.  How can Washington justify having his contract extended, and how can he follow through with it?  $78 million to lose at home to Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings.  At that rate, I’m pretty sure Shaun Hill, Tony Romo, and Max Hall all deserve their fair share as they too have lost to Minnesota.  Washington has been misguided for years and will continue to be.   As will the San Diego Chargers.  They did come away with a victory this week, and a dominant one in that, defeating the Indianapolis Colts 36-14.  However, how the hell can you go 2-5 through the first half of the season, losing to hopeless teams such as Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland Raiders, Seattle Seahawks, and St. Louis Rams, and then go 4-0 by defeating a majority of the NFL’s talented like the Tennessee Titans, Houston Texans and Indianapolis Colts?  This is the model of Randy Moss “I’ll play when I want to.”  And with the mention of Randy Moss, my attention has been guided to the Tennessee Titans.  The Titans misguided the football all day as they left a goose egg on the scoreboard, falling helplessly to the Houston Texans 20-0.

But that wasn’t the story of the game.  No sir.  Instead, it was the MMA fighting of Cortland Finnegan and Andre Johnson.  By looks of the replays, Finnegan definitely dissed A.J.’s mom by calling her fat.  There is no other explanation for how A.J. went off.  I hadn’t seen a left-right-uppercut combo like the one A.J. landed since Mike Tyson’s Knockout.  It was reported that Finnegan declined a post game news conference or interview.  I don’t blame him.  No man wants to get his ass beat on national TV and then go talk about it.  It was nice to see A.J. only get fined $25,000 for his 3 punches landed to Finnegan.  It’s apparent you can go around ripping off helmets while landing hooks and jabs, but you can’t go around leading with your helmet or hitting receivers in the act of catching a pass.  Roger Goodell, you are one in a million.




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