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November 23, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio


Fantasy Stud: Greg Jennings.  Thank you for reading my post outlying my hatred of your play earlier this season.  It is quite obvious you got the hint.  I thank you for the 152 receiving yards and 3 touchdowns.  Get money, get paid.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Stevie Johnson aka The Joker.  Fantasy owners are thanking you for your 136 receiving yards and 3 touchdowns. With numbers like that, fantasy owners will call you anything you want.

Fantasy Dud: Andre Johnson.  No one has been stuck on Revis Island all year, but somehow, someway, you found a way there this week.  It’s probably due to Schaub’s misguided leadership that you ended up there.  He is at fault for most of the offense’s lack of continuity.  Either way, I thank you for getting lost this week, as I had the pleasure of playing against you in fantasy.  But, as a good sport, and because PlayBOOK of Eli is my homie, I’ll say, “C’mon man, you pulled a Gregory Jennings.”

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Steven Jackson.  I never pay attention to you.  Mostly because you suck, your team sucks, and your city, well your city was recently voted most dangerous to live in; lucky you.  But, then my buddy recommended you for Fantasy Dud or Douche, and I thank him for that, because it got me to thinking and researching.  And you know what I concluded?  I concluded that, yes, you indeed blow balls, balls of all sizes.  The easy excuse would be that you start a rookie quarterback and replacement wideouts, but in actuality those players have been getting their numbers and getting them consistently.  Without them, you’d be winless.  Without you, they’ve managed 4 wins.

Fantasy Douche: Zach Miller.  Up until week 11 I had started Chris Cooley every week, but for some strange reason I went rogue and started you.  I wish I hadn’t.  Cooley went for 7 catches and 91 yards.  You, well you went for 2 catches and 9 yards.  I thank you for that.  No, truly I do.  You were good for 0 points.  I hope you like pine ‘cause you’ll be riding it the rest of the year.

Special Shout-Out Douche: The NFL referee’s.  To the referee’s of the Pittsburgh/Oakland game: Thank you douches for stripping me of 2 defensive touchdowns.  One, by way of a punt return, which was called back by a holding call and another by way of an interception, which was called back by a roughing the quarterback call.  The holding call may have been legit, but the roughing the quarterback call, now that was phantom.  To the referee’s in the New England/Indianapolis game: Thank you for not calling a penalty on the Patriots until 2 minutes remaining in the game.  No Bill Beli-douche team is that clean . He’s the tyrant that was responsible for Spy Gate.  And to the referee’s of the Philadelphia/New York game: Thank you for not calling pass interference at the end of the game when it was clear that the Eagle’s defensive back was face guarding New York wide receiver, Derek Hagan.  You all should be fined.  Actually, many refs deserve fines this year.  These penalties are becoming a nuisance.

Shout Outs: The Pilgrims.  Thank you for landing on Plymouth Rock and thank you for instigating a cancer that has struck America.  Obesity is running rapid in America and Thanksgiving is a holiday that glorifies this cancer.  I wonder if there was a historical event that has instigated and glorified our current most cancer in America, teenage pregnancy.

Kiss The Baby: Anyone playing me in fantasy football.  No I’m serious.  Might as well hand me the trophy now.  Get ya chapsticks ready because only a freak injury could stop me now . Please, oh please God, don’t let that happen.  But, on to a serious note, to the owners of any Minnesota Vikings: Your season is about over.  That means Favre, Rice, Harvin, Shiancoe, Longwell and the defense.  Cut your losses while you can, there’s no miracle comeback similar to that of Dallas.  Get ya chapsticks ready Minneapolis.  It’s going to be a long offseason.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Randy Moss.  In August, while playing for New England, you were a top 5 wide receiver.  6 weeks ago, while playing for Minnesota, you were a top 15 wide receiver.  Now, while playing for Tennessee, with Vince Young and Kerry Collins out, you’re an irrelevant wide receiver.  I would like to thank myself for drafting Reggie Wayne over your bitchass self.  Good bye Moss, it was nice to know ya.

Flying Under the Radar: Dez Bryant.  You play for “America’s Team”, but yet you’ve gone unknown by most.  That is until now.  With 44 catches and 8 total touchdowns thus far this year, you’ve been a late round steal in every fantasy draft.  And, I’d like to make it known that I did in fact draft you for these reasons.  Thank you for blossoming into a reliable 3rd wide receiving option.  You’ve been quite alright, averaging 70 receiving yards and nearly a touchdown in the last 4 weeks.  Thank you Dez, thank you.

Fantasy Crush: Vincent Jackson or V.Jax, as referred to by S.T.L and myself.  I’ve been crushing on you since last season.  It wasn’t a matter of if, but when you’d play this year.  And I needed to make sure you were on my roster when it happened.  So I picked you up via free agency and sat on you for weeks.  I am thankful that as week 12 approaches, you’re eligible to play and eligible for insertion into my fantasy football starting lineup.  I expect big things out of your during these last 4-5 weeks.  With you, Reggie Wayne, and Gregory Jennings as my starting wideouts, I am giddy with anticipation.

Lightning Bolt of the Week: My mom decided to put up our Christmas tree BEFORE Thanksgiving.  What the fuck?!  Can I get some turkey before I have to start singing carols, wrapping gifts, and spending unnecessary amounts of cash?  Usually it’s up the day after Thanksgiving, you know Black Friday.  The day where all you smucks are out buying gifts, thinking you’re getting great deals, while I sit home, sip some hot cocoa and watch my mom and sister hang decorations.  Thank you Equal Rights.  Also, to you Black Friday-ians, you can get the same deals a week before Christmas. I know because that’s when I shop.

Week 11 wasn’t anything to write home about.  Thursday night’s game was atrocious.  Julius and his boys “peppered” the Dolphins for a 16-0 rout. But, the recent destruction laid by Mr. Pepper’s has me questioning, “Why didn’t he play like this in Carolina?”  Next, there was the landslide in Minneapolis that featured Greg Jennings and crew rolling on Favre and his homeboys.  The score indicates they played the entire game, but the indicated that the game ending at halftime.  Baltimore walked all over Carolina scoring more defensive touchdowns than Carolina scored total touchdowns.  But, like last week, who hasn’t done this to Carolina?  The Jets had one last hurrah left in them as they drove down the field with less than a minute left to defeat the helpless Texans.  Sanchez to Holmes for the sequel.  Buffalo awoke from the dead, winning 49-31, and Steve Johnson, well, he just made himself relevant.  Any man whole receives for 130 and 3 touchdowns has my respect.  But any man upstaging Batman (Terrell Owens) and Robin (Chad Ochocinco) by calling himself the Joker, and writing “why so serious?” on his undershirt, is my hero.  Touché brotha, touché.  Subsequently, there’s something that doesn’t have my respect, and that’s the Arizona Cardinals.  They lost once again, and this time to the Kansas City Chiefs.  Apparently Arizona didn’t watch enough game film on how Denver exposed Kansas City last week.  Either that or they just didn’t give a shit.  It was a rout, just like all the prior games I have mentioned.  Notice a trend thus far in week 11?  It didn’t get much better as Pittsburgh won 35-3, Tampa Bay won 21-0, and San Diego won 35-14.  All three better acknowledge their competitors when sitting down Thursday and reciting their “Thankful” speeches.  Oakland, San Fran, and Denver, you should all be ashamed.  However, there were a few somewhat close games as Dallas got the best of Detroit 35-19, Atlanta defeated St. Louis 34-17, New Orleans bested Seattle 34-19, and Philly topped the G-Men 27-17.  Conversely, there was a couple down to the wire games.  Jacksonville showed that they suck, but not as bad as Cleveland, as they won 24-20.  And Washington showed that they can defeat Tennessee and their 3rd string quarterback, winning 19-16.  Although it did take an overtime period and numerous defensive penalties.  All in all, this weekend sucked, but any weekend with football is a good weekend.  Though, there was one “Negative Nancy” part of the weekend…

That would be the longest running rivalry in the NFL today.  It’s an epic rivalry; one that matches up Hall of Fame quarterbacks.  Mr. Giselle Bündchen versus Eli’s older brother.  I got to watching and I got to cussing.  Motha f’ing Peyton Manning this, motha f’ing New England that.  Not only was I playing against Peyton in fantasy, but I was caught rooting for him in the game.  Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.  But I was willing to take the hit.  I had a 50 point lead and I still had my quarterback, Philip Rivers, going Monday night.  So I get to cheering.  But, the dingbat throws a pick on his first drive.  What the hell.  Soon it’s a 31-14 Patriots lead with 10 minutes remaining.  Then came the Manning magic I was accustomed to.  Peyton orchestrated a 14 point comeback is less than 5 minutes.  Now it was a game.  The Patriots led 31-28 with a little over 2 minutes and Peyton and company had the ball.  My eyes were lighting up.  I could picture all the New Englanders, young and old, crying.  The Pats would lose, and they’d cry, and they’d cry, and they’d cry.  How I’d bask in the glory.  Unfortunately, God at that moment spited me down.  Manning was intercepted, and to make matters worse, they were well within Adam Vinatieri field goal range.  The Patriots would then run out the clock and go on to victory.  Damn Bill Beli-douche and his ugly, cutoff, hooded sweatshirt.

After all this happened it got me thinking; boy do I hate New England.  I should be thankful for the opportunity to live in this great country and to live in the part of country solely responsible for how America was formed.  But, sadly that’s about as positive as New England gets.  That and the fact that I grew up here and met my girlfriend here.  All and all, it’s a total waste of space.  The weather blows ball, having all four season sucks dick, and their accents are horrendous.  Pronounce your damn “r’s” you illiterate bastards!  Notice how I didn’t say “bastids” like you typical, damn New Englanders.  It’s pathetic.  I’ve even taken my hatred to the extremes of boycotting everything New England.  The first boycott began as a child and it started with their sports franchises.  First, it was the Patriots and Drew Bledsoe.  But then Mr. Giselle Bündchen and Bill Beli-douche came and that put me over the top.  Then it was the Red Sox and Celtics.  Watching the Red Sox suck year in and year out, while their World Series drought continued to pile up was the ultimate high.  Picture the happiness of Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and Britney Spears all hopped up on illegal drugs and that was the happiness that glowed from my face.  Watching the Celtics suck was a close second.  Unfortunately, the ugly, drooling, Debbie downer that is Kevin Garnett and Mr. “Jesus Shuttlesworth” Ray Allen had to come ruin it.  Thanks douches.  However, I was lucky to only have to suffer through one championship.  Kobe saved my ass last year.  That’s why I’ll forever be grateful.  You are the best basketball player in the game today Black Mamba.  F you LeBrick James!  And then there are the Bruins.  I don’t really have a built up hatred for you as of yet, mostly because hockey isn’t at a real high in the United States, so you mostly have the incredible misfortune of being lumped into this category because of your location.  Sucks for you guys.  After that, I decided to boycott McDonald’s coffee, as it commercialized New England (hallelujah Dunkin Donuts), candlepin bowling, New England clam chowder, and the word “wicked”.  Screw the Northeast.  I plan on moving; taking the 10 people I care about with me, and hoping this whole land area just falls into the ocean similar to that of California.




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