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November 16, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio


Fantasy Stud: Mike Vick.  Your performance was incredible, outstanding and any other positive action you can think of.  Unfortunately, your performance made me sick to my stomach as I had the displeasure of playing against you this week.  Anyways, for your sake, get money, get paid.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Tom Brady.  If it weren’t for the Dog Slayer that is Mike Vick, you would have won top honors this week.  But, instead you are runner up.  Look on the bright side, your hair has the envy of every fashionable male on this planet.  Oh, and your wife, well your wife is a supermodel.  Seems to me you’ve had enough top honors in your lifetime.

Fantasy Dud: Reggie Wayne.  This was the first week where I was disappointed in your results.  34 receiving yards against the Bengals?  C’mon man!  You pulled a Gregory Jennings.  Shame on you.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Jason Witten.  Your team decided to be successful this past week, but you however, did not.  A win is a win, but 7 receiving yards?  That’s not going to help fantasy team owners win, not unless they’re playing against you.

Fantasy Douche: Dwayne Bowe.  I’d give it to Mike Vick, but he’s been to prison and I’ve ripped him enough.  I’m glad the one week you decide to catch the football is the one week I’m playing against you.  I bet next week you’ll have 3 catches for 30 yards and no touchdowns.  And if that’s the case, I will be rooting for an unexpected, agonizing injury.  Watch for a ruptured achilles ya douche.

Special Shout Out Douche: Gulf Coast Oilers.  This is the team managed by one of my buddies in our fantasy football league.  He was responsible for trading Mike Vick for Steven Jackson.  I would just like to say, “Fuck you.”  I’m glad that trade has panned out for you.  Sometimes it’s best to sit on good players so that other teams can’t have them.  You single handedly improved Powder Blues team.  With that, and the trade of Marques Colston for Eddie Royal.  I’m glad you’re using Royal, as he sits helplessly in free agency.  You mothafuckin’ Taco clone.  I still love you though, you’re my boy blue.

Shout Outs: The defenses of the Kansas City Chiefs and the Washington Redskins.  Both squads had matchups against divisional foes, and both squads trailed by 5 touchdowns at one point.  Nothing like getting punched in the mouth only to get up and get punched once more.

Kiss The Baby: The Dallas Cowboys.  Now I realize I’ve given them this award before, and I also realize that they came away with a victory this past weekend, but what sticks in my head is how much disrespect they showed Wade Phillips.  Not only did they create skepticism about them quitting on their former coach, but with the win this weekend against the New York Giants, they showed and rubbed the disrespect in their former coach’s face.  This team was put together based on talent, rather than their integrity.  And, with that will come victories, but it will also bring lackluster play, egos, and a poor ownership of one’s faults.  Get your chapstick, pen ink, and interviewing skills ready Jerry, it’s time to rebuild.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Matt Forte.  Good luck with contributing to your team as long as Martz remains your offensive coordinator.  I thought you’d bring value similar to that of Marshall Faulk in the Greatest Show on Turf days, but instead you’ve been closer to that of a New England Patriot back.  You’ve only been viable on passing plays with fantasy numbers consisting mostly of 5’s and 6’s.  That’s equal to flex options in most leagues and/or bye week replacements in others.

Flying Under the Radar: Frank Gore.  You are always good for 70 rushing yards and 70 receiving yards, while throwing in a touchdown.  Consistently you put up 15 points with the occasional 20.  And, I thank you for that.  You’ve been a well played second option to the Foster Child, Arian Foster.

Fantasy Crush: Mike Vick.  I wish I owned you, and I wish I didn’t have to play you.  Regrettably, I couldn’t have either wish.  I guess Santa didn’t find me to be a good boy this year.   But, who cares, he’s an old, fat, fictitious character anyways.  Holla at me Mrs. Claus, I can do it for you!

Lightning Bolt of the Week: The inability of the Washington Redskin’s to stop the Philadelphia Eagles.  You’ve had two weeks to prepare for a divisional matchup at home against a team that you’ve already defeated, on the road.  And what do you do with that benefit?  You get blown out in the 1st quarter 28-0.  Nice.  Oh, and the 5 year contract extension for Donovan McNabb, also nice, at least for McNabb that is.


This year, fantasy football had been rather kind to me.  Coming into week 10, I had a team record of 8-1.  I was the highest scoring team, and there wasn’t even a close second.  The only negative was that I had the 4th highest points scored against me.  To you none fantasy footballers, that is the total of points that my opponents scored against me.  Week in and week out my opponents were scoring the second highest of the week, while I scored the highest.  One week had me victorious by 82 points.  I was running amuck.  And I play in a 10 team league so get off my nuts about that.  Week 10 hit though, and boy did it hit.  Nothing could have had me prepared for the beating in which I was grudgingly handed.  I was without my star player, quarterback Philip Rivers, but I had that covered with a free agent pickup of David Garrard.  He went for a well played 37 points.  I was in heaven after the 1 o’clock games.  Garrard had saved me.  I had Percy Harvin go for 12, Dez Bryant show off for 16, Frank Gore pile up 20, Arian Foster manage 11, and David Akers produce 12. Unfortunately, Wayne was less than significant scoring 3, Cooley joined him with 2 and the Steelers’ defense, well let’s just say I would have been better off not playing them as they cost me a point, contributing a -1 to my total score.  However, with all that, I was able to score a respectable, and more times than not, a winning score.  But if that was the case, I wouldn’t be writing and informing you about it.  I was instead handed a beating of a lifetime.  No redheaded stepchild has ever experienced a beat down like this.  Not even Jason “Mayhem” Miller could have saved me.  I had the ill-fated pleasure of facing Mike Vick, Dwayne Bowe, Mike Wallace, and Calvin Johnson on a week in which they blew up bigger than the mortgage crisis and U.S. economy combined.  I should have known after witnessing Dwayne Bowe catch almost every pass thrown to him that it was going to be a long week.  He is famously known for dropping passes, key passes, and many of them.  But I instead stayed optimistic.  Then Monday night’s game started and on the first pass Vick went deep, 88 yards to Desean Jackson for his first, of what came to be many, touchdowns.  I instantaneously felt pwned.  Watching Vick pass for 333 yards and 4 touchdowns and run for another 80 yards and 2 touchdowns made me feel like one of his previously owned, pure breed, red or blue nosed Pit Bulls.  I was completely beaten down and dead.  My opponent racked up 188 points to my 112.  After this week I am still the highest scoring team, and by a wide margin, but now I am also the highest points scored against team.  And I have no control of that.  Basically, it’s Yahoo! Fantasy Football’s fault for their scheduling.  Luckily, I’ve had the managerial talent to pilot my team to an 8-2 record.  For the rest of the year, not only will I be forced to defeat my opponents, but I will also be fighting the odds that Yahoo! Fantasy Football has installed towards me.  F-you Yahoo!, f-you.

Yeah, there was real football played in week 10, but I could have given two shits.  But for your sake, I’ll recap the past week.  Atlanta started the week off with a come from behind win against the Baltimore Ravens.  Buffalo rescued themselves from the depths of the winless, defeating the upstart, but injury depleted Detroit Lions.  Dallas got off the shnide, defeating the New York “football” Giants.  And then there were the Minnesota Vikings and the “Ironman” that is Brett Favre.  Well Favre sucked, threw 3 interceptions, and the Bears beat there ass.  Not much to recap there.  Indianapolis defeated the Bengals.  You can thank Carson Palmer for that, as he threw almost as many completions to the Colts as he did to his current team, the Bengals.  The cardiac Jets were successful in another comeback win as they handed the loss to Coach Ryan’s twin brother.  I’d tell you his name, but I don’t feel like Google-ing it and I’m on strike from ever using Yahoo! so I’ll just tell you that he has longer hair and a larger gut than his brochacho Rex.  Fuck ‘em both, diabetes will surely catch their asses.  Then there’s Tennessee and Miami.  While playing football, they both decided to use as many quarterbacks as possible.  Miami won the football game 29-17 and the quarterback game 4-2.  Tampa Bay beat Carolina, but honestly who hasn’t?  Houston’s defensive back decided with 5 seconds left that he was done playing football so he batted David Garrard’s hail mary pass into the hands of an unsuspected Jaguars receiver leading to an improbable 31-24 win.  When asked about it after the game, the defensive back batted down every reporter’s microphone.  Fortunately for the reporters, they were all successful in catching their microphones because let’s face it, this guy sucks at doing anything well.  Denver beat down the Kansas City Chiefs, but I’m not rehashing that due to Dwayne Bowe.  Seattle won the game of “Who Cares” as they defeated the Arizona Cardinals.  San Fran pulled off an overtime victory leaving St. Louis in the running for a 2011 first round, first overall pick.  Oh, and New England trounced the Pittsburgh Steelers.  But I hate Bill Beli-douche with a passion and Brady (if it weren’t for his GQ hairstyle, I’d have nothing good to say about him), so I’m not recapping their performance.  Fuck ‘em both, and their fans.



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