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November 9, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio


Fantasy Stud: Philip Rivers.  There is nothing you cannot do.  You’ve practically carried my fantasy team for 9 weeks.  You have made a genius out of me, and I thank you for that.  Get money, get paid.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Aaron Rodgers.  You played 3 quarters, and you finished with 289 passing yards, 41 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns.  I suggest you send a thank you card Jerry Jones’ way.

Fantasy Dud: Brandon Marshall.  At the beginning of the week Baltimore announced that they weren’t going to double team you.  And they didn’t.  And you still only managed 30 yards.  You pulled a Gregory Jennings.  Shame on you.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Andre Johnson.  Everyone is entitled to an off day, except you Brandon, I still hate you. But, what made your day worse Andre is the fact that on the last play, you caught the ball, kneed it out of your own hands, and into the hands of a defender. Fuck your life, AJ, fuck your life.

Fantasy Douche: Anquan Boldin.  You’ve had a few huge weeks, but you’ve also managed weeks like the previous, where you finish with 28 receiving yards.  How can that be?  Could it be that you are overrated?  I think so.

Special Shout Out Douche: Roger Goodell.  Change the hitting rule!  I hate you for what it has become.  I watched Austin Collie get lit up by a perfectly legal hit, only to have the defenders get penalized because the referee saw Collie motionless on the turf.  The defense cannot start getting penalized because of injuries and that’s what is happening.  You, my friend, are a horrible commish.  I’d rather have Kevin from The League.

Shout Outs: Philip Rivers, Arian Foster, Reggie Wayne, Greg Jennings (yes you Greg), Frank Gore, Chris Cooley, David Akers, and Pittsburgh’s defense.  I would like to shout out all of you for helping lead my team to an 8-1 record thus far into the fantasy season.  Muchas gracias.

Kiss The Baby: Ochocinco.  You are allowing T.O. to take over your team and your position.  You openly voiced your frustration during Monday night’s loss to Pittsburgh, only to have your teammates tell you to shut up and play the next play.  It seems that you really are Robin to Owens’ Batman. Get your chapstick ready Ocho, get your chapstick ready.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Ryan Matthews.  Like Shonn Greene, you were drafted within many fantasy drafts 1st round.  And, like Shonn Greene, you have faltered.  You owe every individual who drafted you an apology along with a portion of this year’s salary as you have yet to earn it.  Chase will be awaiting his portion in the mail.  Christmas is upon us so get a move on with the distribution.

Flying Under the Radar: Terrell Owens.  Quietly, you are leading the Bengals in every receiving category and have become the favorite target for Carson Palmer, much to the annoyance of Chad Ochocinco.  You are doing things that no other 36 year old receiver has ever done and you are doing it quietly, something that you have never done.  Well done, Señor Owens.

Fantasy Crush: Arian Foster.  No homo, but I’ve been crushing on you all year.  An undrafted free agent in both the NFL and my fantasy league, you have helped lead my team to what it is today, a first place team, with a 2 game lead.  Foster = Australian for Fantasy God.

Lightning Bolt of the Week: Cleveland.  You laid the lumber to New England.  And, I hate New England.  Therefore you earned my respect and my attention.  Thank you for shutting up all the Patriot fans that I have the displeasure of being surrounded by.  I salute the “Man-Genius.”


Week 9 treated us to the legend that is Brett Favre.  The invincible one threw for 446 yards and 2 touchdowns, all the while leading his team from a deficit of 24-10 with 4 minutes remaining to an improbable win of 27-24 in overtime.  He’s only 41 years old, has elbow tendinitis, multiple fractures in his ankle, and ten stitches in his chin.  But yet he can still chuck the rock like a rookie out of college.  Just to add on to Favre’s legacy, Matt Stafford, a 22 year old quarterback for the Detroit Lions, has been in the league for 2 years and has yet to finish one of them without missing multiple games.  Brett has gone 20 years without missing one game.  Most of us can’t go 20 years without calling out of work because of a cold, and this man has a job where he is constantly beat up on and he’s yet to call out.  Fuck Robert Downey Jr., Brett Favre is the true Ironman.

The student beat the teacher’s ass in week 9 as the “Man-Genius” and the Cleveland Browns showed Bill Beli-douche and the New England Patriots what grind it out football is all about.  The Patriots, led by their diva quarterback, by the way I hate you Mr. Giselle Bündchen, are a strict “air it out”, “run & gun” team.  And if you do not believe me try owning a New England running back in fantasy football.  It’s like owning a cat; completely useless, as all they will do is consume your money while bringing you nothing in return.  Well, Cleveland on the other hand, owns a dog.  And his name is Peyton Hillis.  He ran up and down and all around on the Pats defense, all to the tune of 184 rushing yards and 2 touchdowns.  Suck on that Beli-douche.

San Diego continued to prove that their football season starts in late October, early November, as they handed it to the Houston Texans.  Arian Foster did his best to keep his team in the game, but unfortunately with a poor passing attack and with a defense that could stop a division II squad, it just wasn’t enough.  Oakland continued to show its emergence as a formidable NFL team, doing it in come from behind fashion against a longstanding division rival.  It also helps that their opponent, the Kansas City Chiefs, started a quarterback who couldn’t hit the red side of a barn.  The dude is just horrendous.  He makes the play of Alex Smith in San Francisco look Pro Bowl-ish.  He needs out, Croyle needs in. Baltimore spit in the face of the Miami Dolphins, both figuratively and literally.  Buffalo managed to extend their losing streak to 8 in a row now.  Atlanta showed Raheem Morris that they were in fact a better NFC team than Tampa Bay.  Sorry Raheem, but your offense is still pitiful and your defense lacks the intensity and determination of previous years.  The Jets squeaked out a 3 point victory against Detroit, but let’s be honest, Detroit gave that game away.  Who passes the ball with under 2 minutes in the 4th, up by 3, with no timeouts remaining for their opponent?  Detroit does.  Speaking of doing dumb shit, Dallas decided to try and play football once again, only to be humiliated once more on national TV in a 45-7 loss.  But don’t worry Dallas, Jerry fired the coach.  Too bad the offensive line, running backs, and the entire defense are to blame for the season’s current outcome.  Oh, and he made current offensive coordinator, Jason Garrett, interim coach.  Good decision because the offense has been a successful unit.  There’s nothing I love more than a dysfunctional Dallas Cowboys team.  Thank you Jerry Jones, thank you.

Then there’s Mike Vick, the complete opposite of dysfunctional.  He is functioning at his all-time highest.  Week 9 was his first game back since his rib injury, but he controlled the field, running and passing all over the lot as if he never missed a game.  He has showed, both with his play and his actions, that his stint behind bars was a learning experience.  Too many times the convict is penalized for their actions, only to repeat those same actions once they’re released and land themselves right back behind bars.  Mike Vick has shown what jail is supposed to do to an individual.  Jailing a criminal was supposed to be a punishment, a learning incident and a humbling experience.  And nowhere is that more prevalent than in Mike Vick.  His play has changed to where he is one of the most dangerous, if not the most dangerous, quarterback on the field.  And he has answered every question asked by the media with a smile on his face, and most of all, praise the ability to do what he loves, play the game of football.  So to you Michael, I salute you.  Congratulations on your current success and to your many future successes.



One Comment

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  1. Rickaby / Nov 10 2010 12:08 am

    Should of mentioned Peyton Hillis more. He’s a beast.

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