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November 2, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio

WEEK 8 AWARDS

Fantasy Stud: Calvin Johnson.  Let me just reiterate, I wish you were on my squad.  You’re a monster and well deserving of the nickname Megatron.  100 receiving yards and 3 touchdowns is mega scoring.  Get money, get paid.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: David Garrard.  260 passing yards, 4 touchdowns and 1 rushing touchdown were far and away season highs for you in 2010.  But, you feasted on Dallas’ secondary.  Congratulations, you’ve had everyone’s sloppy seconds.  You’re like the whore who can’t get her own boyfriend so you enjoy everyone else’s.

Fantasy Dud: Wes Welker.  I don’t know where you’ve been, but ever since the Randy Moss trade, you’ve been Mr. Irrelevant.  Once the favorite target of Gisele Bündchen’s husband, you finished with 24 receiving yards this week.  That’s not going to cut it.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Hines Ward.  I played against you this week, so I don’t have much to complain about.  But, as for S.T.L, he hates you and your half Asian, half African American ass.  & no, that was not racist.  I was simply stating that he was half Asian and half African American, as well as stating that he was hated.  Go ahead and call Al Sharpton.  15 yards receiving is pathetic.  The good lord would condemn your effort.  Run a route and catch a ball.  It’s not a hard concept.

Fantasy Douche: Brad Childress.  You just ruined the seasons of many Randy Moss owners; all because you are incapable of doing a sufficient job as a coach.  Look in the mirror, it’s not Brett’s, Moss’ or the defenses fault; it’s yours.  Get your resume ready homeboy.

Special Shout Out Douche: Whoever decided that it was a good idea to call timeouts before the opposing team kicks a field goal.  This has to be one of the worst phases of the game still in place.  This and the hitting rule.  As well as limiting a coach to only two successful challenges.  If coaches are successfully challenging, then let them keep challenging.  Anyways, the act of calling a timeout right before a field goal attempt is complete bush-league.  If you want to call a timeout, go ahead, but you shouldn’t be allowed to call one once the players are lined up and ready for the snap.  You can disagree; everyone is entitled to be wrong once in a while.  But, for me being right is the only way to be.

Shout Outs: The Chicago Bears offensive line.  The positive, you guys allowed zero sacks this week.  The negative, you guys were on a bye.  Hopefully this due rest will improve your talents, but most likely Jay Cutler will continue to eat grass like he was a farm animal.

Kiss The Baby: Randy Moss.  I don’t know what it is you continually do, but it’s costing you your career.  This last stint in Minnesota lasted four weeks.  A player with your credentials and talents should last longer than four weeks on any team’s roster.  You remind me of a man who has a huge blowout with his wife (New England Patriots), decides to part ways (trade), then  chooses to rekindle with a past ex (Minnesota), only to soon learn that there’s a reason they were your ex and in all actuality you want your wife back (New England).  Make up your mind Randy. I’m sorry to say, but your career better have its chapstick ready.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Matt Schaub.  You’ve had one blowup week thus far in 2010. You stats continue to be modest at best, as you struggled to put up 12 points this past week, throwing for 201 yards, 1 touchdown and 1 interception.  Andre Johnson seems to be your only target and soon defenses will start stacking the line with 8 and 9 defenders in order to stop the Foster Child.  Just because Matt Leinart is behind you on the depth chart, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be scared to lose your job.  Every now and again the sun shines on a dog’s ass.  Just look at Rex Grossman and his unscheduled playing time this week.

Flying Under the Radar: Peyton Manning.  Everyone who watches football knows Peyton Manning is heads and shoulders above ever quarterback in the league.  It doesn’t matter who you surround this guy with.  I mean, I swore I saw Betty White out running crossing patterns against the Texans, but it didn’t matter; he went out and produced big numbers en route to a Colts victory.  He is by far the smartest and most studious quarterback to ever play, and this is why he is also the greatest to ever play.  Watch out Marino and Montana, there’s a new sheriff in town.

Fantasy Crush: Darren McFadden.  You’re helping to make a once proud franchise pertinent again.  With the help of Michael Bush, you lead the best rushing attack in the NFL.  Back to back weeks of 200+ rushing yards as a team.  And, back to back weeks of 100+ rushing yards for you.  Way to be mang, way to be.  As Jon Gruden said, “Send that man to the beach!, he’s Pro Bowl worthy.”

Lightning Bolt of the Week: Detroit Lions.  More like the Lightning Bolt of the Year, Detroit has been able to stay competitive, while also managing to become one of the more potent offenses in the league.  With the likes of Matthew Stafford, Jahvid Best, Calvin Johnson, Nate Burleson and Brandon Pettigrew, this offense will be good for years to come and will contend for a division title within two to three years.  I guarantee it.

 

Four weeks ago I sat & listened to Bill Beli-douche yammer on about how trading Randy Moss for a 3rd round pick was “in the best interest of both, the team, and Randy.”  This week, I was treated to Brad Childress doing his best Beli-douche impersonation.  It seems that Brad is under the impression that releasing Randy Moss, four weeks after trading away your future 3rd round pick for him, is improving your team, “both in the short, and long term.”  Riiigggghhhhttt.  This is the same man who’s hinged his whole coaching career and reputation on the shoulders of a 41 year old quarterback who is disinterested in playing.  Now, I love Brett Favre, no doubt, but anyone who felt that last year wasn’t -Brett out proving Green Bay wrong- obviously doesn’t pay attention to football.  It was a total adrenaline rush of a season rather than a skillful one.  And now, Minnesota is paying the price.  More so, Brad Childress is paying the price; with his job.

Then there was Mike Shanahan.  He thought that benching Donovan McNabb with two minutes remaining, down by 3, was the appropriate head coaching decision.  Apparently, Donovan didn’t have enough “cardiovascular endurance” to run the two minute offense.  Riiiiggghhhtt.  The last time I heard something that foolish, I was being asked, “how many points do quarterbacks get when their running backs run for touchdowns?”  The answer is none.  And Mike Shanahan, that’s how many wins you’d have without McNabb.  He’s a future hall of famer and Rex Grossman hasn’t been of relevance since his days in Gainesville.  Ride the shoulders of your future hall of famer.  Unlike Favre, McNabb actually is interested in playing.

The thought of disinterests leads me to the New York Jets.  Most have considered the Jets to be the best NFL team with the top defense and an up and coming offense loaded with free agent talent ranging from LaDainian Tomlinson to Braylon Edwards to Santonio Holmes.  But, all the Jets managed to do was score zero points at home en route to a 9-0 loss.  Elite NFL teams don’t let that happen.  By the way, Jericho Cotchery had more dropped balls than AT&T typically has dropped calls.  & that’s a lot.  Elite players don’t let that happen either.  Then there’s San Diego; they finally decided it’s time to start winning as they put it to the Tennessee Titans, injuring Vince Young and Kenny Britt.  San Diego means business.  And, in Indy it was business as usual.  Granted Houston was on the road, but they were facing a team without many of their best players.  You can thank the Grim Reaper for deciding to take his anger out on the Indianapolis Colts this Halloween, leaving the likes of Dallas Clark, Austin Collie, and Joseph Addai all injured.  But, what does Manning do?  He goes in and dissects the Houston secondary like the precise surgeon Peyton is.  Then, like multiple times this year, Dallas and Cincinnati continued to show that they enjoy being irrelevant so I will leave their recap short and sweet. They’re ten pounds of dog shit in five pound bags.  Which brings me to the Buffalo Bills; they may be winless, but it’s not due to effort.  Unlike Dallas and Cincinnati, Buffalo actually wants to win. This is a team that leaves everything they have out on the field each and every Sunday. Unfortunately for them, they’ve come across seven teams better than themselves.  & unfortunately for them, they may come across nine more.  Unless Buffalo gets demoted to the NCAA levels, a 0-16 season is within reach.  The ’76 Buccaneers better get their popcorn ready.

 

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