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October 26, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio


Fantasy Stud: Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Last week I gave the award to Kevin Kolb.  I also said he was auditioning for Buffalo.  You obviously read my posts and got the message.  Keep slinging the rock.  Get money, get paid.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Lee Evans and Steve Johnson.  You either made Fitzpatrick look real good or vice versa.  Either or, ya’ll blew up.

Fantasy Dud: Ronnie Brown. Yes, you played Pittsburgh, but you still suck.  It’s been the same ol’, same ol’, sucky ass season.  You’re garbage and I hate that I drafted you.  Dear Lord, thank you for allowing me to pick up Arian Foster as a backup to this jabronie.  I will tell the world of your legitimacy.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Deangelo Williams.  You’ve been MIA, and no that doesn’t mean you’ve been in Miami.  You’re straight pulling a Greg Jennings.  It’s pathetic.  Get your game together or ride the pine.  You’re pissing off a lot of fantasy owners as well as Carolina’s owner.  And, no I don’t own you.  If I did, there would have been multiple strongly worded letters written your way.

Fantasy Douche: Mike Martz.  I’ve been waiting 24 hours to write about you.  I hate you.  I hate you more than, well, more than anything.  I currently cannot think of one generous thing to say about you.  I detest your play calling and your so called “offensive brilliance”.  You remind me of the Madden baller who refuses to run the ball, electing to pass every down, while your team gets murdered Ray Lewis style, 52-0.  To the best of my knowledge, and to the least of yours, running the ball will open up your pass offense.  This is not the Greatest Show on Turf.  Jay Cutler is a crinkly, crackity, crunchity quarterback, just 7 weeks into the season.  I watched you call one run play from the end of the 1st quarter until six minutes into the 3rd quarter.  Now, I’m no defensive coordinator, but I’m guessing Jim Haslett of Washington was licking his chops while he was witnessing this.  This is not the Madden Bowl and you are not the offensive mastermind that so many have view you as.  You’re just some 12 year old boy, who’s just learning Madden, who looks at punting, field goals and run plays as boring attributes.  You probably masturbate 4 times a day, have a squeaky voice, are shy with the women and get bonerage with every slipped nipple.  Good luck Jay Cutler, you’re going to need it.

Special Shout Out Douche: Derrick Mason.  You went for 100 yards last week against New England while you sat on my bench.  This week I start you and you go for 48 yards.  38 of which were on one play.  Thanks douche.  No wonder you were in free agency in my league.

Shout Outs: The Oakland Raiders.  Ya’ll went super crazy. Straight Norman Bates on the Denver Broncos.  You guys scored 24 points in the first quarter, 39 by halftime and 59 after the 3rd.  Who needs the 4th when you’re putting up numbers like that?  Congratulations to the Black Hole.

Kiss The Baby: Dallas.  I know I put this last week, but they’re 1-5 and Tony Romo broke his clavicle.  It doesn’t get much worse than that.  The recovery time is 6-8 weeks with the best case scenario.  That means Romo potentially could return week 14.  But, who’s going to rush him back that soon?  Especially, to a team that’s five games below .500.  Big D is not seeing Super Bowl XLV, unless it’s at their home and on their 50 inch Vizio’s.  This leaves Jerry’s dreams of having America’s team play in a Super Bowl hosted in Jerry’s World shattered.  Get ya chapsticks ready, it’s time to kiss the baby.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Steve Smith.  You suck.  You’ve sucked.  I hate you.  I’ve hated you.  And, I’ll continue to hate you.  You’re injury prone.  You’ve lost speed.  And, you’re far from a bad ass.  All negatives, which result in the failure of your life.  Call BFI, I heard they’re looking for extra trash.

Flying Under the Radar: Hakeem Nicks.  Besides your one blemish last week, your season has been rather Pro Bowl-ish.  It is only your second season, but you’re showing the moxy of a 15 year veteran.  Keep it up youngin’, you’re making me proud.

Fantasy Crush: Roddy White.  You’re the best wide receiver no one talks about.  You consistently put up numbers, and you have no number 2 across from you, just a solid, hall of fame tight end.  Your 200 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns this week have me crushing.

Last week I ranted and raved about the NFL and its rule changes towards hitting.  This week I’ve decided to enter in my first piece of evidence backing up my stance on such hits.  Enter in, Mark Schlereth.

With that being said, nothing is going to change the NFL’s view or stance on these matters.  The NFL’s protecting their own self interest.  They’re petrified of medical claims and class action lawsuits, health insurance claims for former and retired players, and having to admit that 100% of the injuries current and formers players complain about, are in direct correlation to the NFL and its games.  Players, coaches and fans either have to live with the decisions made by the NFL or make the decision to live without the NFL and football.  The NFL is certain that the former will always prevail.  And, they may be correct.

Seven weeks into the season, and San Diego has the number 1 ranked offense and defense.  Unfortunately for them, it also brought a 2-5 record.  Talent is great, but chemistry and team play wins championships.  Nowhere is that more prevalent than in Dallas.  Yes, you have talent.  Yes, you may be comprised of the most talent.  But, no, championships are not built on talent.  You’re not guaranteed success because ESPN and the NFL Network claim you to be the most talented team in America.  Look at Kansas City; they’re a bunch of lunch pail, blue collared workers.  They go in, butt heads with the opposition and play both ends of the ball to the best of their ability.  And they don’t beat themselves with penalties.  Discipline; it also wins championships. Sorry boys, but Jerry’s teams isn’t going to be playing in Jerry’s house in February.  Then, there’s the Cincinnati Bengals and Pittsburgh Steelers.  They are two different organizations going in two different directions.  At the beginning of 2010, most felt Cincinnati would be a viable candidate for the AFC North title and possible AFC representative in Super Bowl XLV, while many saw the Steelers as long shots with Big Ben missing the first 4 games and possibly coming back only to have to deal with many kinks and rust.  But, that’s why they play the game.  Cincinnati seems to not be able to find their way out of a Roethlisberger locked bathroom stall.  Meanwhile, Pittsburgh went 3-1 during their 3 games without Big Ben while proceeding to win their next 2 with Big Ben.  And there appears to be no rust to work out.  In the meantime, over in the Great Lakes area, Brad Childress is regretting ever sending missionaries to Mississippi this summer with the hopes of returning with Iron Man himself, Brett Favre.  It’s been everything but a smooth, functional season.  Minnesota has many cosmetic faults.  Not even Macco could help with.

Week 7 was a fantasy sleeper’s paradise.  Kenny Britt had 225 receiving yards and 3 touchdowns.  Yeah, I said Kenny Britt.  Oh, you hadn’t heard of him?  Don’t worry, most hadn’t.   Lee Evans caught 3 touchdowns versus Baltimore.  No one saw that coming. Especially, from a wide receiver out of Buffalo.  Even more surprising, Lee’s quarterback threw for 374 yards and 4 touchdowns.  WHAT?!  Yeah, gun slinging is his hobby.  Dez Bryant showed why he was a first round selection, receiving for 50 yards, 2 touchdowns and a return touchdown.  Kid was rock solid.  Then, there was Hakeem “the Dream” Nicks.  One week after having 8 receiving yards, he went for 100 receiving yards and 2 touchdowns.  Good showing lad, good showing.  Oakland was a fantasy football’s pot of gold this week.  Too bad any right minded fantasy football would never own an Oakland Raider.  But nonetheless, congratulation goes out to Jason Campbell, Darren McFadden, Michael Bush, Zach Miller and Oakland’s defense.  You all earned bucu points.


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