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October 19, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio



Fantasy Stud: Kevin Kolb.  Keep doin’ work youngin’.  You’re showing doubters and the Buffalo Bills that you’re a franchise quarterback.  Get money, get paid.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Gregory Jennings.  It’s your first week where your numbers are those of a stud #1 receiver.  Do it again and I’ll gladly give you stud of the week.  But, as of right now, pulling a Gregory Jennings still has a negative connotation.

Fantasy Dud: MJD.  I don’t own you, but I hate you.  Your numbers are those of a flex option running back or a bye week replacement.  Yet, you were drafted in the first round in over 90% of league drafts.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Hakeem Nicks.  Once again I do not own you, but you do play for my favorite team.  How can you explode against Houston and then dog it against Detroit?  8 receiving yards?  Step up your game.  Dallas comes to town Monday night and they’re 1-4.  If you pull a Casper the friendly ghost on the 25th, I will rip you on Tuesday Morning Quarterback, week 7.

Fantasy Douche: Ronnie Brown.  Where have you and the Wildcat formation been?  You’ve eliminated yourself from top running back discussions and have now placed yourself into flex option and bye week replacement discussions.  Welcome to the world of MJD.

Special Shout Out Douche: Mike Martz.  How are you going to call 20+ run plays for Matt Forte in week 5, when Cutler was out,  and watch him run for over 100 yards and then call 8 run plays when Cutler comes back?  Get your head out of your ass, run the ball and take the victories.  This isn’t Kurt Warner and The Greatest Show on Turf anymore.  Defenses have caught on.

Shout Outs: The Houston Texans.  You began week 6 like you ended week 3 and 5; disappointing.  It was until the 4th quarter that you snapped back to reality and pulled out the victory.  Stop acting like Dallas and stop pulling a “Greg Jennings”.  Your play thus far is flippy floppy like the lyrics uttered by Andy Samberg and the Lonely Island crew via I’m On a Boat.

Kiss The Baby: Dallas.  You guys are 1-4.  A trip to the playoffs would require a 9-2 record from here on out.  With games against the Giants twice, Eagles twice and Green Bay, New Orleans and Indianapolis, a 8-8 season is almost inevitable.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Michael Turner.  Fantasy hyped you up as a top 5 running back, but 2010 has showed you to be otherwise.  You had your one big game against New Orleans, but other than that it’s been mediocrity.  Your touchdowns have diminished and your yardage is slowly dissipating.  Freshen up those legs and do some running why don’tcha.

Flying Under the Radar: Austin Collie.  Whether it’s Peyton or your work ethic, you’re showing the league you mean business.  You’re stealing touchdowns from Reggie Wayne and racking up the yardage, as fantasy owners are laughing all the to the bank for taking a chance on you.  Superb job my good sir.

Fantasy Crush: Calvin Johnson.  You may play on the Detroit Lions, and you might be on your third quarterback this year, but no matter which dude is tossing you the pigskin, you’re coming down with it.  How I’d like you on my fantasy team.

Lightning Bolt of the Week: San Diego.  First Oakland, now St. Louis.  I thought it was just the usual slow start, but upon review I am now certain that the contract holdouts of Vincent Jackson and Marcus McNeil are a bigger distraction and influence on this team’s current state of play.

Boom.., boom.., Pow!  That’s the sound of an NFL defender bearing down on you as you cross the middle.  A few years back, the Madden franchise implemented the “hit stick”.  Many of my friends and I would refer to the hit stick as being “Ray Lewis’d”.  In the early years, the game would even make a thunder and lightning noise for devastating hits, which could potential injury players.  Devastating your opponent was something we all strived to do.  It’s the same thing in the NFL.  When a receiver crosses the middle, it’s the defenders job to lay him out, sending a message that that area is his.  No one makes or requires players to play the game of football.  Playing football is a choice, it’s a privilege.  If you don’t want to be hit, go get a degree and an office job.  That’s what I’m doing.  Accidents will happen, yes, but you can’t go changing the rules every time a player is hurt, otherwise we’ll end up with a league of flag football or touch football.  Boring.  The first rule that was brought on was by Brady and his knee.  It changed “how you can tackle a quarterback”, then it was the concussions that changed “where you can hit a quarterback”, now it’s injuring hits to wide receivers and running backs that is changing “how and where you can hit… period”.  Where were the rule changes when Michael Irvin’s head was drilled in the turf at Veterans Stadium, or the crushing, concussion hits to Steve Young and Troy Aikman which ended their hall of fame careers?  No one cried then.  Same needs to be done here.  Too many players nowadays play for the money and not the love of the game.  They build empires and businesses off their football names and then host reality shows and model.  You can’t stop the devastating hits, but there affects can be changed. Limit player’s extra-curricular activities, make football a career like so many refer to it as and make them become “football” players once again.  Just like back in the day.  Back when Barry Sanders was cutting on a dime, Lawrence Taylor was breaking legs and Ronnie Lott was finishing games with fewer fingers than he started with; the good ole days.  Either that or the NFL needs better health coverage for current and former players.  For those of you not getting that joke, please Google “NFL and their health insurance”.

With that being said, Week 6 brought hits upon hits.  DeSean Jackson was knocked out cold by Dunta Robinson who subsequently knocked himself out.  Josh Cribbs of Cleveland and teammate Mohamed Massaquoi were both taken out due to concussions, falling victim to Mr. I Try to Hurt People, James Harrison.  Yes, you do James, yes, you do.  Vince Young suffered a knee injury early Monday night, while opposing quarterback David Garrard was another victim of the concussion bug.  Detroit’s backup quarterback was injured, Shaun Hill, leaving Drew Stanton, their third string quarterback, to finish the job.  Yikes.  Antonio Gates went down; I felt that pain through fantasy football.  Phillip Rivers just isn’t that sweet without Antonio.  Chris Cooley, tight end for Washington, was another concussed player.  I bet with all these concussion injury updates you’re probably thinking, “what is this guy thinking by saying football shouldn’t change the way players hit each other?”  Well, I’ll be glad to answer that one for you.  See, football is a collision sport, not a contact sport like so many label it or view it as.  Have you ever seen two objects collide into each other?  How about viewing or being involved in an accident?  Damage is abundant.  Same thing happens when players collide into each other.  I’m beginning to ramble on again about this quandary.

A brighter note, Gregory Jennings proved that he isn’t as much of a slouch as he’s been looking; receiving for 133 and 1 touchdown.  Thank you, Gregory.  Hakeem Nicks was a ghost in week 6; 8 receiving yards.  A week after he was a monster in week 5.  That’ll be the only Halloween analogy I’ll give you.  I hate Halloween.  MJD once again was overrated; rushing for 57 yards.  I feel bad for his fantasy owners; ya’ll got pwned.  Jeremy Maclin filled in well as a replacement for DJax; totaling 159 receiving yards and 2 touchdowns.  Big Ben showed there was no rust on his gun slinging of an arm.  Either that or Cleveland is just that bad.  The latter is believable. New England showed team unity as Deion Branch helped instigate the propaganda, “Randy Who?”  Shut it Bill Beli-douche, no one believes your lies.  Every Pat fans says, “How many championships did they win with Moss?”  Well my comeback to that is, “How many championships have they won since Bill Beli-douche got caught cheating?”  Set.  Game.  Match.  Next on the docket, Kevin Kolb.  He helped his cause for starting quarterback by throwing for 326 yards and 3 touchdowns.  Andy Reid quickly euthanized Kevin’s expectations by declaring Vick will remain the starter once he returns.  Apparently, Vick is still head dog on the quarterback depth chart.  San Diego, like last week, came up short against a mediocre, less talented, but more determined ball club.  Sam Bradford and St. Louis wiped the Edward Jones Dome with Rivers and his boys.  Dallas is still “the most talented team”, but according to game tape, talent doesn’t win ball games  Team unity, discipline and great coaching does.  Dallas lacks all three.  Good bye Wade Phillips.  Then there was the Chicago Bears.  Once again they proved their unable to block for the QB, and that Martz is unable to call a run play for Forte as long as Cutler is his quarterback.  Get on track Martz, even Forrest Gump ran and he was retarded.  Cutler may be special, but if he continues to end every play looking at the sky, the only thing special about him is going to be his education level.  He’s a handful of sacks away from a drool guard.


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