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October 12, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio

WEEK 5 AWARDS

Fantasy Stud: Matt Forte.  166 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns.  All it took was Cutler sitting the bench.  Get money, get paid.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: Tony Romo and Miles Austin.  Romo had 406 passing yards and 3 touchdowns, while Austin had 166 receiving and 1 touchdown.  Not even Batman and Robin were a better combined duo.  Unfortunately for Tony and Miles, this was done in a losing effort.  This is also why you two were Honorable Mentions.  Winning is everything.

Fantasy Dud: Arian Foster.  I’ll give you the fact that Coach Gary Kubiak gave you 11 carries.  What I won’t accept is 25 yards on the 11 carries.  Make the most of what you’re given.  Come back strong in week 6.

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: DeSean Jackson.  24 receiving yards on 2 receptions is horrendous.  In my league we call that “pulling a Greg Jennings.”  You don’t want that.  You are two different receivers with Vick in the lineup versus Kolb.  For your sake and your fantasy owners, Vick better have a speedy recovery.

Fantasy Douche: Greg Jennings.  I know I’ve gone off before and that I’ve given this award to Jennings multiple times, but as long as he continues with 20-30 yard performances he has to be given the award.  Step it up Gregory, your name is now a verb.  It’s the act of sucking or underachieving. (i.e. “I’m/your/he or she is pulling a Greg Jennings”)

Special Shout Out Douche: Matt Schaub.  You are looked at as a stud fantasy quarterback with most having taken you within the first five rounds of their fantasy drafts. Yet, you still manage to come up more disappointing than a virgin on their first sexual attempt.  196 passing yards and 1 interception will not cut it.  Those boo birds are becoming increasingly popular with the chance of becoming Texas’ new state bird.

Shout Outs: The Detroit Lions.  Your defense is immensely improved.  Your number 1 draft pick in this past spring’s draft, Ndamukong Suh, had his first interception of his career this past weekend in a 44-6 blowout of the St. Louis Rams.  Did I mention you also snapped a 10 game losing streak that dated back to last year?  Well I just did.  Go get ‘em Motown.

Kiss The Baby: Brett Favre and Minnesota.  Brett, you should have retired last year.  It seems you’ve over stayed your welcome.  Either that or last year was a fluke.  Minnesota, you should have known that sooner or later a 41 year old will show he’s 41.  Unfortunately for you, later was a year sooner than you would have liked.  Get your chapsticks ready Minneapolis.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Gregory Jennings.  You my friend, are the first to be awarded two awards in one week.  Besides your touchdowns, you’ve gone 3 weeks in a row of 33 receiving yards, 18 receiving yards and 22 receiving yards.  All and all you’ve been quite disappointing this season.  Although, I should have learned my lesson as you have been known to come through like this.  Your talents and projections spot you as a number, it’s just Aaron Rodgers doesn’t.  Maybe it’s time we don’t either.  To the readers, this will be the last time this year that you will hear me speak negatively of Mr. Jennings; I promise.

Flying Under the Radar: Kyle Orton.  An outcast in Chicago, Orton was viewed as a dink and dunker.  In 2010, Orton has revived his career while gaining many frequent flier miles.  He’s leading the NFL’s number 1 passing offense, the Denver Broncos, while making the Chicago Bears wonder why they ever pulled a Mike Ditka.  (One who gives up nearly everything they own for a good or service which turns out to be useless or has no value.)(i.e. Ditka giving up an entire draft for Ricky Williams).  Pulling a “Ditka” is much like pulling a “Jennings”, it’s viewed as being quite negative and can be quite depressing to the individual involve.

Fantasy Crush: Phillip Rivers.  I would say this is bias, as you are my fantasy quarterback, but you keep throwing for 400+ yards which keeps my crush growing and growing.  And isn’t that what a crush is supposed to do?

Lightning Bolt of the Week: New Orleans.  What the hell are you doing losing to Arizona?  They started a rookie quarterback and a patch work defense.  Then you go in and stink up the joint.  The Super Bowl hangover is as believable as ever.

If you happened to fall into a coma in 2005 before awakening this past Wednesday, you may not have noticed a difference with Minnesota’s number one option at wide receiver.  That’s because the New England Patriots decided to cut ties with the problematic prone wideout, Randy Moss, trading him back to where he started his career, Minnesota.  Bill Beli-douche stated the move, “was in the best interest of the Pats” and that “it was an opportunity for the team to improve.”  Right.  Maybe if he were speaking about Minnesota.  Trading your number one option at wide receiver for a 3rd round draft pick doesn’t help improve your team.  I may have been born in the morning, but not yesterday morning.  You’re a douche and Moss was simply becoming a headache that neither you nor Bob Kraft wanted to deal with.  Choke on a dick New England.

Week 5 was a fantasy player’s nightmare.  It was 24+ hours of Freddy Kruger torture.  Arian Foster ran for 25 yards.  Thanks douche.  Jennings caught for 22.  Typical.  Matt Ryan had under 200 yards passing against Cleveland.  Really guy?  Frank Gore had as many fumbles as Alex Smith had interceptions.  That’s never a good thing.  Matt Schaub was out-scored by the Tampa Bay Rays baseball team.  That’s only good if you’re a Rays fan.  Ochocinco had 20 yards receiving.  For you Spanish speakers, Mr. Ochocinco’s performance was “muy malo.”  Or for you uneducated, ignorant fucks, Mr. Ochocinco’s performance was “very bad.”  Mr. Ochocinco, I think you’re due for a name change.  And then there was Maurice Jones-Drew.  Maurice Jones-Drew is commonly known in the football world as MJD or in the fantasy world as being overrated.  MJD had 80 yards rushing – against the Buffalo Bills!  The only defense the Buffalo Bills play is “wave at the opponent as he blows by you.”  MJD you are highly disappointing in the fantasy world.  Highly.  Even your own mother tried trading you; for Greg Jennings.  What does that tell you?

Besides the statistical disappoints in week 5, there were team disappointments.  Dallas came off their bye and proceeded to lose at home to Tennessee.  Congrats, you’ve just eliminated yourselves as a contender.  Kansas City is unbeaten no more as Cassel proved he couldn’t hit the red side of a barn.  And, Dwayne Bowe couldn’t catch a cold.  Well done boys.  San Diego once again proved it doesn’t play competitive football until November, as they lost to the Oakland Raiders.  Even Al Davis had San Diego winning with his bookie.  But, that was nothing compared to New Orleans coming up empty in Arizona.  Arizona, in weeks past, has struggled to move the ball on offense or even come close to stopping the ball on defense. Not to mention they were starting a rookie quarterback, Max Hall, and Steve Breaston, their starting wide receiver opposite Larry Fitz, was out after arthroscopic knee surgery.  Well, Arizona scored 30 while holding New Orleans to 20, all the while having their quarterback throw for 168 yards and their running backs run for 41.  I guess that’s why they play the game.

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