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October 5, 2010 / Tye Cobb

Tuesday Morning Quarterback by Brian Kallio


Fantasy Stud: Terrell Owen.  It’s going to take more than popcorn and clever catchphrases by Mr. Ochocinco to get Cincy’s show on the road.  Nonetheless, congrats on blowing up this week.

Fantasy Stud Honorable Mention: New England’s defense and special teams.  Even though I hate each one of your players, coaches and fans, I must give credit where credit is due. Job well done, but I still hate you.

Fantasy Dud: Chris Johnson.  This is the second time you’ve been on the list.  That’s two too many for the money you’re making. (say that 5 times fast)

Fantasy Dud Honorable Mention: Randy Moss.  At the start of the season you cried about not having a contract extension.  The Patriots said and did nothing.  After 2 catches last week and none this week, you know why.  You’re old and you play when you want to.

Fantasy Douche: In honor of my buddy, that’s you STL, the award this week is a co-award.  It goes to Arizona’s offense and Bill Beli-douche.  Arizona, thank you for allowing San Diego’s defense to rack up 9 sacks, 2 interceptions, 1 fumble recovery, 1 def touchdown and 1 point allowed.  And, thank you Bill Beli-douche for finally learning sportsmanship and deciding to kneel on the ball at the 2 minute warning.  STL needed 14 rushing yards from dude with 4 names, BenJarvus Green-Ellis and you decided enough was enough . Douche.

Special Shout Out Douche: Santana Moss.  Apparently there are “missing” posters all over Washington, DC looking for you right now.  You do know that you were supposed to run routes and catch footballs Sunday, right?  5 rushing yards, no catches, no yards.  Mucho Douche-o.

Shout Outs: The New York Giants defense.  You finally stepped up to the plate and handled your business like men.  It reminded me of Super Bowl 42.  Thank you.

Kiss The Baby: Cincinnati Bengals.  You lost to New England, squeezed out a win against Carolina and then lost to Cleveland.  And your schedule doesn’t get easier with games against Atlanta, Miami, Pittsburgh twice, Indy, the Jets, New Orleans, San Diego and Baltimore.  Can you say, “8-8?”  Get your chapstick ready Chad.

Bermuda’s Fantasy Triangle: Shonn Greene.  You were looked at as the featured back, the work horse back.  Now you are the back-up back.  And LT shows no sign of helping you off the island.  Better call Gilligan or ask for a trade.

Fantasy Crush: Antonio Gates.  How I’d love to have you as a tight end to go along with fantasy quarterback Phillip Rivers.  For you owners, he was the reason you pulled out victories.  Send him a gift basket, preferably something from Edible Arrangements.

Lightning Bolt of the Week: Detroit.  You showed that your team had guts, determination and pride.  But, most of all you showed that Green Bay may not be all they’re talked up to be.

C’mon Man: Jeff Reed.  You missed a 45 yarder and a 49 yarder.  No chip shots, but field goals that needed to be made in a game decided by 3 points.  On the year, you’re 1 for 4 from outside 40 yards.  C’mon man.

In the words of the great K. Powers, “listen up you motherfuckers, let me just cut to the chase.”  I’d like to get a little suttin’ suttin’ off my chest.  I’ve hated a lot of people in my day.  Now I won’t go into detail on whom or why, but as of right now, Gary Kubiak can lick my ass hole.  We’re all too familiar with athletes breaking the law and getting away with it.  A perfect example is Braylon Edwards getting a DWI and being suspended for 1 week.  That’s like grounding your child for 10 minutes; the point just doesn’t get made.  Way to go Rex.  But, on the other end, you get coaches who force discipline and tend to go overboard.  This brings me to the aforementioned Gary Kubiak.  Now for those who know me, you are aware that on Sunday’s football trumps all.  It’s like my religion, my day of worship, the day I rest.  It’s holier than thou.  The day is spent watching games from 1pm-11:30pm.  The remote control is in one hand (switching from FOX to CBS to NFL RedZone), beverage is in the other (preferably chocolate milk), the laptop is close near and there’s plenty of food to go around.  Now approximately around 4:15 yesterday the Texans/Raiders game started & I was tuned into NFL RedZone.  Steve Slaton took the first carry.  I figured the coach just called a play that was part of Slaton’s package.  Second carry, Derrick Ward for 33 yards and a touchdown.  Now I’m starting to question.  Questioning God himself and why he would put me through this.  What had I done?  Along with questioning, I’m close to a mild coronary.  Apparently, Arian Foster, his starting running back–my starting fantasy running back, was late for a team meeting resulting in a suspension of the first quarter and half of the second.  If it isn’t already obvious, I side with Foster Child.  I am never on time for anything.  I give fashionably late a new meaning.  Anyhow, what does Mr. Foster do once he’s put into the game?  He takes his third carry 74 yards for a touchdown.  It’s been said that once he crossed the 50 yard line he looked over to his coach and yelled, “Next time, start me.”  Listen to him coach, listen to him.  Famous and powerful people do what they want.  Look at O.J., Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Donte Stallworth, and T.I, just to name a few.

Week 4 brought us bye weeks, with fantasy footballers being the only thing majorly affected.  I felt the pain at wide receiver as I was forced to start Johnny Knox.  He did real well, about as well as one would expect from a Debbie Downer playing wide out.  Thanks for the 2 points.  But, that was nowhere as bad as my buddy who had 2 of his starting running backs hurt and the other on a bye.  Sorry bro, you should’ve drafted Foster Child or LT.  Speaking of LT, can somebody please notify me where the fountain of youth is that he hit up?  Holy shit.  He’s running amuck on the league, tearing defenses apart.  The Niners proved that they are overrated as shit, mustering up 1 offensive touchdown, continually finding ways to lose games, as did the Cincinnati Bengals.  T.O. proved that he is still relevant (222 yards receiving and 1 touchdown).  Peyton Manning was on his game with Reggie Wayne, although the rest of the team decided to take the weekend off.  No team lead by Manning should ever be overrated, but a spades a spade, the Colts are overrated.  They’ve lost 2 games in 4 weeks.  Most seasons they don’t lose 4 games all year.  New members to the overrated fraternity are the Philadelphia Eagles and Chicago Bears.  My bff and animal rights activist, Mike Vick was sandwiched together like pastrami on rye by two Redskins defenders forcing Vick to leave the game while watching his Eagles fall from contenders to pretenders.  Jay Cutler was sacked 9 times in the first half.  9 times!  Yeah, his new nickname is bagged lunch.  Every hit was like watching the school bully beat down the puny nerd who was determined to keep getting up, proving his manhood.  But, the puny nerd was unable to exit the locker room at halftime thus forcing his buddy to defend his honor.  His buddy fared no better, throwing an interception and being sacked once while also being injured.  A small part of me feels bad whereas a larger part of me enjoyed every second of it.  Let’s Go Big Blue!  Then there was the Baltimore vs. Pittsburgh game.  Straight up grudge match of two defensive power houses with Baltimore squeaking out a 3 point win due to Pittsburgh’s idiot kicker missing 2 field goals.  What a shame.  But, for every idiot kicker there’s a guy who’s foot is not merely an extension of his body, but a straight money maker.  Case in point, Josh Scobee.  His field goal wasn’t the longest in history, but it has to be up there as longest to win a game.  Dude straight laced a 59 yard field goal, with the game tied, as the clock struck double zero’s.  Who says kickers aren’t football players?  Not this guy, that’s for sure.


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